Lean on me: The right way to help a friend in need

"Man's best support is a very dear friend."--Cicero

A note about style: To avoid cumbersome “he or she” or “your friend or relative or co-colleague” language, I am calling the survivor “your person” and will use the pronoun “he.” Everything here applies to all relationship, ages, genders, and types of tragedies.

When someone you love is hurting, you hurt, too. You’d do anything to take the pain away, but you can’t, and you feel helpless. You know you need to be there for your person, but you don’t know how.

Your words and deeds at this time will make all the difference in how your person heals, and your relationship will deepen because of this.

That’s a lot of responsibility, however, because the converse is true as well. Your failure to support your person will damage your relationship, and it can also intensify his suffering.

An open wound

During the first days and weeks following a loss, the survivor is on high alert. He is wounded, and so the fight-or-flight response in his limbic brain has been triggered. He feels everything deeply, and he hears every word you say with intense clarity and takes it to heart. The wounded mind takes a snapshot of everything and stores it forever.

Everything is internalized during this awful time.

For this reason, you must proceed with great care.

Consider your words and deeds with extra sensitivity now.

Stop talking

Your person is in shock, and perhaps has been stunned into silence.

It’s almost irresistible to fill this awkward gap with words, but resist all the same. When we rush in with words, the words are usually poorly conceived and often hurtful.

It is perfectly fine to sit with someone in silence. Maybe that’s what your person needs the most.

If you’ve got to say something, say “I’m so sorry. I’m here for you. I’m on your side.”

It’s important to listen much more than you talk.

Don’t panic

When tragedy strikes, you may have the urge to run away from your person. The awfulness of the event and your person’s intense feelings about it may feel like too much to handle.

This is obviously the wrong way to go.

Instead, acknowledge to yourself that you are afraid and seek help for yourself if necessary. Whatever you do, don’t turn away from your person. Vow to yourself that you will try.

If your person brings up suicide or appears to be in danger of self-harm, such as risky behavior or substance abuse, this is normal but of course should be monitored closely.

I recommend the counselors at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call 1-800-273-8255). They are trained to advise caregivers in determining the threat level and then dealing with it.

If possible, now may be the time to open your home to your person, or to stay with him until the immediate crisis passes.

At the very least, agree with your person to check in at agreed-upon intervals, and then follow through.

Me, too!

This is a tricky area.

On one hand, it’s a lifesaver to hear from people who have survived your particular brand of tragedy.

On the other hand, this type of advice can easily turn into “I survived it, so why can’t you?” or “My situation was much worse, and I didn’t miss this much work.”

We’ve all had hard times. The trick is to use our experiences to become more compassionate while avoiding the temptation to turn preachy.

Try to be aware of how much you’re talking about yourself and comparing your situation to that of your person.

I don’t understand

Whether we’ve been there or not, it’s hard to empathize fully with another person’s grief.

It can be especially hurtful to hear phrases such as “You weren’t together that long, so I don’t see why you still miss him” or “it has been six months; I don’t know why you can’t clean out your mother’s closet.”

Now not only does your person feel bad, he feels bad for feeling bad.

Watch your language.

Instead of “I don’t understand,” try “Help me to understand.” Better yet, simply accept that you need not understand WHY your person is devastated, just that he is. You don’t need to understand any more than that.

The search for meaning

In your haste to make your person feel better, you’ll want try to help him see the good in the situation.

Resist this urge.

It’s too soon to ask your person to look on the bright side. When it’s time for that, he will try to find ways to do it, and you can gently support him at that time. But not now.

Phrases such as “She’s in a better place,” “God needed a special angel,” or “You’re better off without him,” are unwelcome.

When bad things happen, nothing makes sense.

The stunned survivor will shake his head and say “I don’t understand why this happened.”

Let him feel bewildered and angry at this injustice. Don’t take that away from him.

Tough talk

Surprisingly, some well-meaning folks believe that they can help by telling you to grow up, get over yourself, and stop wallowing in your misery.

This sometimes takes the form of your friends’ urging you to place a personal ad, showing up at your house on Saturday night to “kidnap” you and force you out on the town, and other macabre schemes.

Grief has no timetable. It takes as long as it takes.

If you are very close to the person and observe that he is stuck after a period of several months, gently help him get professional help.

It is never a good idea to try to shock an already shocked person.

Practical ways to help

We always say “tell me if I can do anything,” but few people take us up on this vague offer.

Instead, gently suggest non-intrusive ways that you might help.

People did these things for me, and so now I use this approach:

“Would it be all right if I stopped by on Saturday mornings for a while? We could take a walk in the park if you feel like it… or just talk.”

“When I was going through a divorce, my friend Linda came to court with me, and it helped. How would you feel if I came to court with you?”

“After my dog died, my friend came over a month later and gathered his things to donate to the humane society. How does that sound to you?”

“When I went through a breakup, I couldn’t eat. I’ve made some soup, so I’ll bring you some and we’ll try some together.”

It’s always helpful to do things that stop your person sinking even further. The daily activities of life, such as eating, paying bills, and remembering appointments can be overwhelming. It’s also helpful to have someone to talk to who understands, or at least who wants to.

Truly, the most helpful thing anyone has ever said to me is: “You matter to me.”

Hard does it: How to answer law school exam questions

“...Remember, never take no cut-offs and hurry along as fast as you can.” – Virginia Reed, age 12, Donner Party survivor

The gift of fear

Of course you’re nervous, which is a good thing. If you weren’t, that would mean that you’re overconfident or that you don’t care. This fear is helpful and will force you to work hard to prepare for exams.

Law school exam questions are different than those on any other exam you’ve taken, even in the hardest undergrad courses. Plus, your entire course grade is riding on your performance on this one exam.

That’s scary, but if you approach the exam in the right way, you’ll do well.

The two biggest fears that you’re probably experiencing are: 1) Will I be able to spot the issues at all, and 2) Even if I spot the issues, will I be able to analyze them in the amount of time I’ve got?

A method of analysis

To avoid both of these problems, I urge you to develop a method of analysis that you can use for each area of law. If you do this, it will serve you well on every law school exam, on the bar exam, and in your law practice.

Naturally, if your professor has told you that he or she wants you to answer questions in a certain way using a particular format, you must do is just that way. Otherwise, consider this method.

For my example, I’ve written a hypothetical from the law of Contracts, because this subject lends itself to a linear method of analysis. My Contracts professor, Richard Hagedorn, developed this particular method, which he calls the “picket fence.” Questions in other areas of law won’t lend themselves to this linear method of analysis. Instead, these questions may be best answered using a flow chart, a checklist, or even a circle or some other method.

No matter how you choose to analyze an exam question, if you consider which method to use and then practice on sample questions using your method, the practice itself will teach you the law and help you prepare for exams.

Remember: There is no substitute for hard work.

Practice

Don’t be lazy. The law library and online sources have unlimited sample exam questions. Get ten or so of these samples and outline your answers. (It’s not necessary for you to draft an entire answer unless you feel weak in that area; just do an outline.)

This will seem tedious. It is, but you need to get used to this level of tedium. When you study for the bar, you’ll be grateful that you’ve developed this habit. The more questions you outline using your chosen method of analysis, the better you’ll become at spotting issues, understanding exam questions and answering them. Once you’ve outlined an answer, read the sample answer and evaluate how you can improve.

Meanwhile, practice with as many multiple choice questions as possible. One great source is the PMBR and similar books in the law library’s reserve room. I know the exam likely consists entirely of essay questions. It doesn’t matter. Answering multiple choice questions will make you an expert at spotting the fine distinctions in the law. Trust me on this. I did this when I was in law school, but not enough. It wasn’t until I studied for the multiple choice section of the bar that I realized how helpful a learning tool this was—even for the essay questions.

Speaking of tedium, here is the way to do it: Read the question and try to answer it really quickly in your head. Then, look at the choices and pick one. Consider why you picked that one. Then, look at the answer and explanation and see whether you were on the right track (or evaluate how far off the mark you were). Then, go to the next question.

Pick your way through at least 50 multiple choice questions in this manner, and don’t panic when you get many of them wrong. You will get better at it, but in order to do that, you must answer a number of them wrong (or get lucky with the occasional correct answer), and then read the answer and explanation and learn from those.

Again, all of this practice is tedious and disheartening, because it’s slow going and you won’t be good at it at first. Keep at it, however, because you are getting better by the moment with this practice.

Follow directions and mind the call of the question

You’d be surprised how many students fail to follow basic directions (for example, “don’t discuss damages”) or fail to read and specifically respond to the call of the question (such as “identify any possible causes of action that P can bring against D). This is where your nerves get the better of you. Take a deep breath and read the question twice, and then answer what it asks.

Time management during the exam

Nearly everyone will advise you to avoid writing until you’ve thoroughly outlined the answer. “Spend several minutes outlining before you start writing!” they admonish.

This is terrible advice, and I encourage you to disregard it.

First, let me repeat my warning above: You must understand the question and take the call of the question to heart. Spend a minute or two doing that. This is a good place to spend time.

Second, it’s never a good idea to listen to someone else’s ideas about how to do something that is so unique as writing an exam answer (including my ideas). Maybe that’s what worked for them, but everyone is different.

Third, you’ve got so little time that it’s important to not waste time trying to craft beautiful answers. Instead, you’re trying to write complete and completely analyzed answers.

I was able to read and re-read the question and then scratch out a few quick notes in a total of two or three minutes. I spent the rest of the time that I had budgeted for the question on actually writing my answer to the question.

Speaking of budgeting, I took a few seconds at first to scan the exam. I noted how many questions there were (usually three or four), considered how much time I had total (usually three hours), and then I VERY quickly made a budget for myself in this way: “First question is 40 percent of the grade. First hour goes to that. Second question is the same. Second hour goes to that. Third and fourth questions are small, 10 percent each. Last hour goes to those in equal parts.”

Do your best to stick to your budget, but if you’re really on a roll, you may be getting points by answering that one question very well, so it’s OK to violate your budget a little bit. It’s just a guideline. It’s OK to be a little flexible, but only a little (five or ten minutes of spillover, max).

I just asked my colleagues about this, and all of them agreed that they did it exactly the same way. They all strongly agreed that the “carefully map out your answer for several minutes before you start writing” is bad advice.

Ignore this piece of advice: “Read each question and start with the easiest one to build confidence!” You’ve got to answer all of the questions anyway, so start with the first one and don’t waste time and risk confusing the issues by reading all of the questions before you start writing.

Road maps and sign posts

Legal writing in general (and exam answers in particular) differ from other forms of writing. This is no time to be creative, and it’s no time to worry about perfect prose.

Rather, this is the time to demonstrate that you understand the call of the question, that you have spotted the issues, and that you can analyze the issues by applying the law to the facts. Understand that the person grading your exam is reading a bunch of these answers and is weary and cranky, so you must demonstrate that you’re answering the question correctly by stating these things clearly.

For example: “This question is about Negligence. First, I’ll analyze whether P can demonstrate that D had a duty of care, whether D breached the duty of care, and what damages P can recover.” Spell it out that directly. If you think this sounds elementary and repetitive, you’re right. That’s the point. For the remainder of your career, legal writing will always seem this elementary, so get used to it. Professors, bar exam graders, colleagues, and judges must be able to at a glance that you know what you’re talking about, and this is the only way for you to demonstrate that.

Leave nothing behind the curtain

Get used to stating the obvious, because you’ll need to do it in another key way.

We all made this mistake early on: We thought, the reasoning behind this statement is so obvious that I need not spell it out.

When in doubt, spell it out.

One law school professor put it this way: Remember the refrain in the song “We’re off to See the Wizard” from “The Wizard of Oz.”

“Because, because, because, because, becauuuuuuuuse….”

Don’t just make a statement, add a “because” and state the law behind it or otherwise explain it. You know it, and your grader knows it, but the point is to let the grader KNOW that you know it.

Example: “P cannot bring the suit in federal court” is incomplete. Instead, “P cannot bring the suit in federal court, because the amount in controversy is less than $75,000.”

IRAC

You are already familiar with the format of “Issue, Rule, Application, Conclusion.” It is key to follow format simply and clearly here. Then, you can raise and dismiss counterarguments and perhaps state policy or give a nod to case law that you remember from the course if possible. (If you can’t remember a case on point, don’t worry about it. If you can, note it here even if you can’t remember the name of the case, i.e. “This is similar to the facts in the case we read regarding the wagon accident.”)

Example: “Battery is an intentional harmful or offensive touching with a person or an item closely related to the person. Here, the touching was harmful/offensive because D swung at P and knocked his hat from his head. D will try to counterargue that he did not touch P’s person, but this argument will fail because D touched an item that was “closely related” to P’s person—he was wearing the hat on his head at the time. Therefore, P’s can show that D committed battery, because D intentionally touched an item closely related to P’s person. This is distinguished from the Smith case that we read, in which the umbrella was not closely related because it was in another room….”

Professor Hagedorn’s Picket Fence for Contracts

This is the method of analysis I used (and still use) in Contracts questions. Contracts, Secured Transactions, Commercial Paper, Sales (of Goods), and other related areas of law should be analyzed this way (unless your professor has given you a different direction).

This is a great one, because you won’t leave anything out and it’s simple and easy to follow (for you and for your grader).

1. What law governs—UCC Article 2 or the common/case law of contracts?

2. Is/are the promise(s) made in the fact pattern “validated” and therefore enforceable?

3. Is/are the promise(s) validated by a bargained-for-exchange and therefore enforceable?

4. Is there an offer?

5. Has the offer terminated prior to acceptance?

6. Is there an acceptance?

7. Is consideration present?

8. Are there any defenses to enforcement of the promise(s) otherwise enforceable as validated by a bargained-for-exchange?

9. Assuming an enforceable promise is validated by a bargained-for-exchange and that there are no defenses that preclude enforcement of the promise, what are the terms and what is the meaning of those terms?

10. Are there any “third-parties” (non-offerors/offerees) with rights/duties associated with the bargained-for-exchange?

11. Has the promise as validated as a bargained-for-exchange been performed/breached?

12. Assuming a promise validated by a bargained-for-exchange has been breached, what remedy will a court provide the aggrieved promisee?

13. Even if BFE is not present, is/are the promise(s) made in the fact pattern validated by promissory estoppel/detrimental reliance and therefore enforceable?

14. Was a promise made?

15. Did the promisor know or should reasonably have known that the promise would rely on the promise?

16. Did the promisee reasonably rely on the promise?

17. Did the promisee suffer a loss/detriment as a result of the reliance?

18. To avoid an injustice, must the promise be enforced?

19. Assuming the promise validated by promissory estoppel/detrimental reliance has been breached, what remedy will the court provide the aggrieved promisee?

Sample exam question

Obviously, this is shorter and less detailed than a real exam question, and I won’t write an entire answer because it’s not necessary. I’ll cover the first few points, so you’ll get an idea.

Question: Polly’s needs to get her house painted. She runs into her acquaintance Dolly, who is a house painter, on the street, and asks her how much she’d charge to do the job. Dolly says, “I’ll come over this Friday the 13^th and paint the whole house for $500.” Polly, who is thrilled with the low price, says “Great! See you then!” It’s now Saturday the 14^th. Dolly hasn’t shown up and Polly can’t get in touch with her.

Polly wants to sue Dolly for breach of contract and wants the court to force Dolly to paint her house for $500. What result?

Sample answer

Remember that we’re reading the call of the question and responding to that.

The call of the question is: “Polly wants to sue Dolly for breach of contract and wants the court to force Dolly to paint her house for $500. What result?”

This is how I would begin to answer it:

Source of law: I will analyze this question using the common law of contracts, because this question concerns a service. I will not use the UCC because this is not a contract that concerns goods. The UCC defines goods are tangible, movable objects identified as such at the formation of the contract. The action of painting the house that is central to any contract that may have been formed, and this is a service and not a tangible, movable object. Therefore, it is not a good, and the common law of contracts is used and not the UCC because there are no goods here.

Offer, acceptance and consideration that form a contract:

For a contract to be formed, it is necessary to have the presence of a valid offer that has not been withdrawn, acceptance that has not been revoked, and consideration. I will discuss each of these elements in turn:

An offer is a promise that manifests an intent to be presently bound to a specific/definite future undertaking that is communicated to the offeree in such a way that creates in the offerree the power of acceptance. Here, Dolly manifested an intent to be presently bound to a specific definite future undertaking (paint the house this Friday the 13^th for $500) that she communicated (told her on the street) and created in Polly the power of acceptance (Polly heard her, understood, and agreed). Therefore, Dolly made an offer to Polly.

The offer was not revoked because…

Acceptance is… and Polly accepted when she said….

Consideration is… and was present here when….

And that’s how I would start it, going through each picket of the picket fence until I was done. (Again, the picket fence is obsessively complete for an entire huge Contracts exam question that would appear on an exam at the end of the first year of law school. You need only analyze the points that the call of the question asks you to analyze.

After the exam

No matter how poorly or how great you think you did, you’ve got to let it go the moment you turn in your exam. You’ve got other exams to come, and you’ve got to focus on those.

Take heart: If you think you left things out, you did because it’s impossible to put everything in there. Nobody can do that. When you leave an exam feeling like you did terribly, you probably did just fine. It’s the right place to be: To know that you don’t know everything.

You know you don’t want to feel like you included everything and had time left over. That would be bad.

To this end, try very hard to limit how much you talk to classmates after you emerge from the exam. They’ll be bragging about how they spotted this or that, and you’ll freak out because you didn’t. If they feel good about how they did, they’re wrong. On the other hand, if they’re panicking because they feel that they did poorly, you’ll start freaking out, too. It’s best to avoid this. It’s nearly impossible to avoid debriefing after the very first exam, but try to limit it to a quick lunch, and then move on.

Note that the people who volunteer in class, who rush the podium after class, and who brag about how great they did in the exam, are never ever the people who get the best grades. It’s the quiet ones (and they’re quiet because they’re working hard and thinking and then working hard some more).

Don’t listen to other people. It’s irrelevant and wholly inaccurate.

Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.

An encouraging word

You can do this. You have prepared for your exams all semester, and you wouldn’t be in law school if you lacked the capacity to do well.

My colleagues and I agreed on this key point: Success in law school, on the bar exam, and in the practice of law belongs to those who work hard. Again, there is no substitute for hard work. That is the secret… that there is no secret, just the willingness to work hard after everyone else has gone home.

Good luck to you. I know you can do it.

Things fall apart: Searching for a lost tribe

 “There is no story that is not true…. The world has no end, and what is good among one people is an abomination with others.”—Chinua Achebe, “Things Fall Apart”

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.”—Jesus to his disciples, Matthew 28:19

At some point between the afternoon of November 16, 2018, and the morning of November 17, 2018, 26-year-old American missionary John Allen Chau was killed by unknown members of a tribe that has occupied North Sentinel Island, a remote island in the Andaman Island chain in the Bay of Bengal, for perhaps 30,000 years.

Chau, who intended to preach the gospel and “declare Jesus” to the tribe, had paid local fishermen to drop him off on the island. These same fishermen observed tribesmen dragging his lifeless, arrow-riddled body on the shore the following day.

Chau and the fisherman knowingly broke several laws by breaching the three-mile exclusion zone surrounding the island, a restriction imposed by the nation of India, of which North Sentinel Island is a part. Chau also had been warned by many people that the tribe violently resisted contact and had allegedly killed fishermen who had visited the island. When Indian helicopters flew over the island after the 2004 tsunami, the tribesmen threw spears at them.

Chau himself had visited the island at least twice before in recent days. He attempted to preach and sing hymns to the angry, confused tribe members, who rejected the small gifts he offered and reacted violently. His diary describes his encounters with the tribesmen, who drew their bows and chased him back to the boat on the first day, while the women of the tribe yelled at him. The second day, a tribesman shot an arrow at him that pierced his waterproof Bible, and he noted in his diary that he might not survive a third attempt. Nevertheless, Chau carefully avoided military patrols and visited the island a third and final time, where he met his fate. According to friends, family, and his writings, he had been planning this for years.

The Indian government has announced that it will respect the tribe’s wish to be left alone and will not attempt to recover Chau’s body. Chau’s family has announced that it has forgiven his killers.

Predictably, public opinion is divided between those who believe that Chau was in the wrong and deserved his fate, and those who are sympathetic to his mission and believe that his killing was unjustified.

No matter which side you choose, you can’t deny that Chau knew the danger, both from the warnings of several people and from his own recent near-death encounters. Further, he was advised that his plan violated various Indian laws that protected indigenous peoples and the environment, and he studied and planned a way to avoid government patrols.

I have noticed that many of the anti-tribesmen pundits have mischaracterized Chau’s visit, omitting the events leading up to his fatal visit. Instead, they describe Chau as a hapless, naive fellow who cheerfully went to the island a single time, bearing gifts and the Word, and was brutally murdered in response to his sincere generosity. Some have wondered aloud why a “Stone Age” tribe should be left alone when modern medicine and technology, along with the prospect of eternal salvation, might be offered to them. A few have called for the United States government to intervene, a futile plea because Chau was unquestionably in the jurisdiction of India at all relevant times.

The pro-tribesmen folks, on the other hand, have gleefully posted gruesome memes and have cackled at Chau’s fate, which they see as yet another overstep by Euro-centric Christians who seek to impose their faith and world view on people who aren’t interested. People are angry at Chau’s arrogance and recklessness, disregarding his own safety and that of the tribe members, whose immune systems are not prepared to defend them against the germs of outside visitors. Chau in particular and missionaries in general have been criticized for polluting diverse and ancient folkways worldwide, bringing Christianity and Western culture to the indigenous peoples of the Amazon, Africa, and Papua New Guinea, in exchange for medicine or material goods.

Some of the confusion appears to stem from the idea of an “uncontacted tribe.” In modern times, there can really be no such things as a truly uncontacted tribe. Even indigenous residents of the most remote wilderness areas have had some exposure to modern life. If nothing else, they have seen countless aircraft flying over them at low altitudes to photograph them. Most have met loggers, fishermen, prospectors, and others who travel to remote areas. It’s safe to say that they prefer to be left alone, at least as much as they are able to decide that given their limited exposure to the outside world.

My perspective here comes from my understanding of wanting things to remain the same, but understanding that they cannot.

I was raised in a non-religious household, although we were vaguely Christian in a cultural sense, praying to a Christian God, celebrating Christmas and Easter, and generally subscribing to a view of the afterlife that included eternal paradise with Jesus and our deceased relatives. Because I grew up in a rural area with no religious diversity (almost a member of an isolated tribe myself), I became minimally aware of other religions through our three snowy television channels that we received over a weak signal from Atlanta. Rhoda Morgenstern’s family had no Christmas tree, I marveled, while the Ayatollah Khomeini deposed the Shah of Iran. Who were these people? I began to study world religions in earnest at that early age, an interest that has deepened.

Meanwhile, my heart was broken by the intrusion of the modern world as Atlanta’s northern suburbs, once a world away, consumed my mountain home. My grandmother had an outhouse, never took a tub bath, or drove a car. Now, there’s a Starbucks in Dahlonega. It was a lost cause. Everyone was thrilled to get a Wal-Mart. Spears and arrows would have been no match for urban sprawl. We were for sale cheap.

Still, I hadn’t considered the impact of Christian missionaries on other cultures until I was 21 and read Nigerian author Chinua Achebe’s novel “Things Fall Apart” in my undergrad Comparative Literature class. It broke open my brain and disturbed me deeply. It is one of the most influential books I have read to this day, easily one of the top two or three in my lifetime. We think we know best, but we don’t, and we ruin everything.

For these reasons, I am much more sympathetic to the position of the tribespeople of North Sentinel Island than I am to Chau’s plight, although it hurts me to see people laughing at his death. He had the best intentions and he sincerely believed he was saving people’s souls, no matter how limited his worldview was. Plus, he had a family and friends who have lost him and won’t be able to bury him, and I hate for them to witness people’s insensitivity in the face of that.

The tribespeople want to be left alone, and I think they are trying to keep things from falling apart. I don’t blame them. Once it’s done, you can’t put things back together.

The Turn of the Screw: Healing and Thriving After the Worst Breakup Possible

“Time heals all wounds.”—Unknown

“Healing is a matter of time, but it is also sometimes a matter of opportunity.”—Hippocrates

“Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.”—Homer Simpson

Foreword

As sometimes happens, I am supporting a dear friend through the breakup of a romantic relationship. We’ve all been there. I’ve been there more than once.

After one particularly harrowing night, my friend said, “You should write this stuff down, Robin. You could help people.” I demurred, in part because my story is very personal and painful and humiliating, but then I thought, well, why don’t I? I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, and if it helps people, I suppose I don’t mind sharing my story. It was a difficult decision to be so honest and vulnerable, but I have decided to do it. I hope it helps.

A specific type of breakup

In this post, I am talking about abandonment. This is the unilateral, often sudden breakup that occurs when your partner literally and figuratively leaves you. There is no mutual decision and probably little to no discussion or warning. It is a tremendous shock and feels like your body has been ripped open, leaving millions of exposed nerve endings. It triggers overwhelming feelings of fear, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and every other awful emotion I could name. The fear of abandonment is the most primal fear we’ve got, and we would do anything at all to avoid feeling it. Unfortunately, this wasn’t our choice, which is the point. Your ex has already moved on, and you are left to deal with 100 percent of the fallout. It’s not fair.

Much of this advice does not apply to the mutual, grown-up decision to break up. While these breakups are sad, they don’t trigger the agony of abandonment. Similarly, if your partner dies, that is of course terribly painful, but he or she didn’t leave because they were rejecting YOU. In fact, your partner likely would have given anything to stay… and society supports you through this.

Yes, these losses are rough, but they are different.

The abandonment breakup is particularly painful because you’ve exposed every part of yourself to another person, who has then rejected it in the harshest possible way—perhaps to be with someone else or even to be alone rather than to be with you.

There are worse things, but I’m hard pressed to think of what they might be.

This type of breakup is horrible, but it is possible to emerge from it fully healed and even better than you were before, with an increased capacity to love and be loved. You will learn so much about yourself, and you will have an increased respect for yourself if you recover in the right way.

I testify that this is possible, because I have been there, unfortunately more than once.

I won’t describe my entire romantic history, because it’s not necessary. I will, however, describe one particularly bad breakup, for no other reason than to illustrate that if I can recover from this one, then you can recover, too.

My story

Several years ago, I lived with a man. When we started dating, he had a good job, and I had recently passed the bar and was looking for work. Due to the bad economy, he lost his job, and despite the bad economy, I found a job as a lawyer. We lived together for several years, got a dog (Fox!), and begin to plan our future. I was so busy with my new job and was preoccupied with various crises such as my mother’s cancer and trying to support us that I did not notice that I had stopped menstruating. As ridiculous as this sounds, I wondered why I felt nauseated on my hour-long bus commute every morning, why I felt fatigued, etc. I chalked it up to the insane amount of stress I was under and soldiered on, as is my custom. One day, I started my period, or so I thought. The cramps became unbearable, but I still went to work, analyzing complex legal matters and gulping ibuprofen. One evening, when I could bear it no more, I asked him to take me to the emergency room. While I was waiting to be seen, I went to the bathroom, where an enormous amount of blood and tissue fell into the commode. When I stood up, it auto-flushed. Just like that. Isn’t that funny. The nurse asked whether I was pregnant, and I replied, “Of course not.” The staff regarded me with incredulity, and they insisted on a pregnancy test. It was of course positive. I was no longer pregnant, but I had to submit to a painful vaginal ultrasound anyway to make sure I had miscarried fully. I cannot describe to you the physical and emotional pain I felt. It was an ectopic pregnancy, and it is a miracle that I didn’t hemorrhage. I felt sorry for the staff and found myself reassuring THEM. Oh, the way they looked at me. They didn’t know what to do with me. I don’t blame them. It was bad. I returned home and returned to work. You see, I had landed a very competitive job as a lawyer. It was hard to get and hard to keep, so I had to go to work every day and figure out a way to function at a new job, which was intellectually demanding, and I had to do it without letting on that I was dying inside and was in tremendous physical pain. I suited up in hospital pads to catch the impressive flow of blood, and day after day, I did it. When I got home every afternoon, I cried. I cried in the way that you cry when no sound comes out. I stared at “this is what your baby looks like at eleven weeks” drawings and keened and wailed. I desperately wanted children but had given up on the idea due to my age. But now this cruel joke. It was horrible, but things were about to get much, much worse. My boyfriend became distant and could not comfort me. One day soon after the miscarriage, when I came home from work, the air in the house seemed different. I walked around and around the house, looking for reassurance, Fox trotting behind me every step. Then I saw it. We had a shelf of photos. Most were mine, but there was a clean line in the dust where a photo frame had once rested. The photo of his father was missing. I ran to the closet. His winter coat was gone (even though it was spring). He had left me while I was at work without telling me. I came home to an empty house. Empty house, empty womb, empty. I went to work every weekday, and went to stay with my mother and my sister Leanne on the weekends. Frankly, I took a sleeping pill when I got there each Friday and slept for ten, twelve, sixteen hours while my cancer-ridden mother paced outside the bedroom door, listening for my breathing. Sunday nights, it was back to Nashville and back to work! I bled for six weeks, but that was the easy part. It got even worse, if you can believe it. Keep in mind that I did not know where he was. Was he dead? In jail? In a hospital? Probably not, right? I mean, he took the photo and the coat. I finally gave in and called his mother, who I could tell was lying to me. I Googled him, and discovered that he and the woman he left me for had a lifestyle blog. While I was taking myself to follow-up visits to an ob/gyn and watching the happy expectant couples and letting babies crawl all around me, they were sampling Nashville’s newest restaurants. Meanwhile, I was sampling food, too. My new friend Laura fed me. Literally prepared food and spoon fed me. “Eat a little. If you throw it up, you’ll have gotten some nutrition from it at least. And we’ll try again later.”

I tell this story in detail not to get pity, because I don’t need it even though you are no doubt feeling it. I am sharing this story to show you that, no matter how bad your breakup is, you can get better. I got better. You will, too. I promise.

What follows is what I learned and how I healed myself. I hope it helps.

There’s been an accident

When the breakup occurs, I find that it is best to view it as an emotional car accident. In other words, it’s helpful to take the same steps as you would if you were physically injured.

First, you must stop the bleeding just as the EMTs would do if they scraped you off the asphalt. This means that you must do whatever it takes to make sure that you are not injured further. Stay off social media—at the very least, avoid looking at your ex’s social media accounts and try not to post any comments about the breakup or about your ex. Likewise, adopt a “no contact” policy with your ex. Don’t contact your ex in any manner, and don’t drive by anyone’s house or Google them.

Don’t lie to yourself and say that you want to talk to your ex in order to get “closure.” One thing you’ve got plenty of right now is closure. What you really want is for this to not be happening, but it is happening, and your ex cannot and will not help you here. Having these talks will only inspire your ex to say cruel things, whether inadvertently or on purpose, and this is the opposite of stopping the bleeding. You must stay away from your ex so that you can stop hurting and start healing.

This is a scientific approach, because the sudden loss of security has created a precipitous drop in your dopamine and serotonin levels. Your brain is trying to feel better by contacting your ex, but you must understand that the temporary surge of comfort that results will cause yet another drop after you’ve done it. It is akin to continually ripping off a scab from a wound that is trying to heal. Try to stop picking at it, because it makes healing impossible. Meanwhile, by not contacting your ex, you are preserving whatever dignity you can salvage, which will help you heal. You will likely slip here and there, because it’s hard not to, but forgive yourself and keep trying.

Similarly, you’ve got to stop the bleeding by doing whatever it takes to keep the rest of your life from spiraling downward. Get as much support as you can muster from family and friends to make sure you’re able to keep showing up for work and school and paying your bills on time. If necessary, have someone you can trust come to your home to check on you and make sure you’re paying the rent, going to work, etc. Take a sick day here and there if that’s possible, but don’t abuse the privilege. If you can manage to preserve a sense of structure and competence in at least one area of your life (such as work or your exercise program), it will help immensely.

During this early “shattering” phase, it is hard to concentrate and keep track of anything, so write everything down, set alarms and reminders, lay out clothes the night before, and basically treat yourself like a treasured small child.

A helpful tool I have used when times are tough: I bargain with myself. I’ll agree that I’ll get up and get ready, and that’s all I’m required to do. Then, once I’ve successfully done that much, I agree to go to work, telling myself that I’ll leave at 10 a.m. or so if I can’t handle it. At 10 a.m., I’ll agree to work until lunch and so on. Before I know it, I’ve logged in a whole day, no matter how hard it was. Then, I vow to try again tomorrow. I treat it as a sort of meditation—one moment at a time, and then I string the moments together to make a day, a week, etc.

Keep going.

Call an ambulance

It’s time to call in the troops, your support system.

If you can afford a therapist, get one quickly. The therapist will help with the short-term crisis as well as the long-term processing. Plus, you will quickly exasperate your friends with your obsession and you may even frighten them with the intensity of your despair, so it’s helpful to have someone who will listen objectively and will gently challenge you on some of the unhealthy conclusions you will try to draw from this. (e.g., “I will feel this way forever,” “This is my fault,” et al.) It’s also important to have a professional who will watch out for any tendency you may have to self-harm.

You also need some supportive friends and family around who can commit to checking on you, bolstering your self-esteem, and otherwise supporting you, but be careful. Many people don’t understand and will give you unhelpful advice (“You need to get over this,” “Get a hobby,” etc.) that can actually make things worse. Some people have unhealthy views of relationships, men, or women, and you don’t want this bitterness to seep into your open wound.

Ask for help, and accept help. It will come from the most unexpected places. As for the expected places, such as friends or family, you may find that you need to spell out exactly what you need. I once told my mother to just sit with me and stroke my hair and draw pictures on my back like she did when I was 4. I was 34. But she did it, and it helped.

You’ve probably been there for them, and you will be again, so let them be there for you. It will deepen your relationships.

A helpful book

I don’t usually read self-help books, but I discovered one quite by accident, and it is excellent. It’s called “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing” by Susan Anderson, a psychotherapist who specializes in abandonment but then found herself in this exact situation. I have given many copies of this book to friends. It is brilliant in several ways. First, she writes in a very clear style and provides a road map, because it is very hard to read anything and concentrate when you’re going through a breakup. Second, she explains the biological reasons why you feel the way you do. It’s crucial to understand that you’re not crazy and that what you’re feeling is normal. This saved me. Third, she provides a framework for healing and prescribes simple exercises (such as journaling activities) that will help you begin to heal.

Everything you’re feeling is normal

And speaking of getting help and accepting help, you’ll notice that many people will criticize you for wallowing in despair. While you don’t want to take up residence here, forgive yourself for feeling your feelings. It takes as long as it takes, and you’re processing a very traumatic event. As bad as you already feel, the last thing you need is to feel bad for feeling bad. Ask these people to cool it with this sort of talk. If they can’t, ask them to keep their distance for a while.

Well-meaning people will suggest that you find fun activities. “Take a cooking class!” they’ll chirp. Bullshit. You know damn well you can’t take a cooking class when all you want to do is run into a butcher knife or stick your head in the oven. Thank them for the suggestion, but don’t feel bad when you can’t follow their advice.

The very alarming but very normal feelings you will feel: Lack of appetite or a ravenous appetite; sleeping nonstop or inability to sleep; unbearable anxiety; tremendous self-doubt; regret; depression; being cold all the time; lack of interest in sex or outrageous horniness for which now you’ve got no outlet; and of course, withdrawal as if you’ve gone cold-turkey off heroin and an all-consuming obsession with your ex, the breakup, everything you’ve ever said or done and how you should have said or done something different.

All of these feelings are normal. In fact, if you didn’t feel some (or all) of them, THAT would be odd. You’re human; this is what humans do.

Intrusive thoughts

Your thoughts will drive you crazy.

Intellectually, you may know that you will get past this and that you’re better off without your ex. Try telling that to your mind, however.

Nope, the puzzle-solving part of your brain will keep turning over and over every detail, every word, every action until it drives you mad. And then it will keep turning it over again and again.

A close friend of mine described it thusly: “I want to run into the woods as fast as I can and bash my head into a fucking TREE.” Yep. That about covers it.

This obsession makes sense, however. When we experience a traumatic event, our brain relives the event over and over and tries to find out why it happened and how we might prevent it from happening again.

As my sister Leanne put it: “You’re trying to find out why, and there is no why. It just is.”

She’s right. Your brain can’t make sense out of nonsense, so it keeps spinning and spinning and returning very bad reviews about you.

How do you fight it?

First, don’t try so hard to fight it. The more you try to push these thoughts away, the more persistent they are. It’s best to gently acknowledge them—ten thousand times a day—and then gently respond with a positive mantra of your choosing. Mine was: “I love you, Robin.” That’s right; every time I would notice myself obsessing, I’d gently think to myself, “Oh, she’s doing it again. That’s interesting. That’s normal.” And I’d say “I love you, Robin.” Feel free to use “I love you, Robin,” as your mantra. Better yet, substitute your own name.

Second, do your best to occupy your mind with something else. Forget about reading for now. Instead, try a movie or a bingewatch. I discovered that it helped a little bit to watch a movie that was engrossing but wasn’t something I would have watched with my ex. Don’t watch sad movies, and for God’s sake, steer clear of romantic comedies. Reject any movie that features your ex’s profession or interest (for my most recent breakup, that cut out any military-themed movies or any film that featured cycling, for example). Instead, I chose the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which held my attention and also transported me to a different world where this sort of thing doesn’t exist. While I’m not much for fantasy, it worked for me. Another helpful thing to watch: Documentaries in which people have overcome difficult things. This is you now, and you could use some inspiration from other winners like you.

The lie of the enemy

The brain is a wondrous thing, but it can throw out some crazy thoughts at a time like this. Perhaps the most pervasive thought is that there is no hope, that you will not recover, that your ex is the only romantic possibility for you and you’ll never do any better.

This occurs because your ex has become all-powerful in your mind because he or she has the power to inflict this intense level of pain. You will lose perspective and find yourself thinking that the relationship was perfect, that you are defective for losing it, and that your ex was your soulmate and can never be replaced.

In time, you will see how outrageously false these thoughts are, but they seem real as they’re happening.

This is a great opportunity to practice challenging the validity of intrusive thoughts. When you find yourself thinking something such as “We were meant to be together. He was a pilot like my dad” or whatever, look up how many licensed pilots there are on this Earth. If you think it’s hard to meet someone who shares your religion, consider how many people on the planet also practice your religion. “We liked the same movies!” isn’t so remarkable once you realize how many millions of people also enjoy the same cult favorites.

You’ll also have dreams about your ex, and you may even think you see him or her in public places. This is normal and is a function of your brain’s attempt to find that dopamine/serotonin hit and plug back in a missing piece.

Truth is, your ex is no more special than anyone else. The population of Earth is approaching 8 billion.

And whenever you catch yourself thinking that you were abandoned because you’re too tall, too short, too thin, too fat, too much of something or not enough of some other thing, consider that the most attractive, successful people on the planet have all experienced the same thing. Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and pretty much everyone you know have all been there. You’re in good company.

Your thoughts of hopelessness seem valid, but they’re false. Practice asking yourself whether something is a feeling or a fact.

As with other thoughts, simply notice them and say, “Isn’t that interesting? I’m thinking this thought again. That’s normal.” Then, gently remind yourself of the truth… one thousand times per day.

This is frustrating, but it’s actually part of the processing of repairing the wiring in your brain.

A word about suicide

An abandonment-style breakup will shiver the timbers even the most even-keeled person. You may be quite mentally healthy in your normal life, but now, you’re alarmed to find yourself considering suicide or related self-harm.

This, too, is quite normal.

You don’t really want to die; you just want the pain to stop.

Please know that these intense and frightening feelings are to be expected. You must fight the urge, however, even if that includes getting some emergency, acute mental health assistance.

These feelings are a sign of a healthy mind, oddly enough. Your poor brain is seizing the very last bastion of control that you’ve got. If you can’t control anything else, you can at least control whether you live or die. You’ve been pushed to the farthest hill, and you’re panting your flag.

Still, if you find yourself with thoughts of self-harm, tell a close friend or family member and let them help you. Perhaps you need for someone to stay with you for a few days. Definitely give someone control of any firearms or pills that you may have on hand. It’s time to circle the wagons, and no preventative measure is too drastic. Better safe than sorry.

Don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

You must ask for help and accept help. Breakups are a common reason why people commit suicide, and you can’t let it happen to you. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and you can’t let the actions of your ex defeat you. It will get better. I promise. Do whatever it takes to stick around. You will be so glad you did very soon, when this despair will be a distant memory.

Vengeance

Once you start to feel a little better, you’ll be surprised by the intensity of the rage you feel. This is a good sign. It means you’re getting better, regaining your strength, and starting to fight for yourself.

Still, tread carefully. You must use your rage to propel yourself to get better. You must NOT use it to try to get revenge on your ex or perhaps his or her new partner.

First, it won’t make you feel any better. It certainly won’t help matters. It will in fact switch your roles. You’re the bad guy now, and your ex is the sympathetic character. If your ex is in a new relationship, it will drive them closer together against a common enemy (you).

Second, you could put yourself in physical or legal danger, and it’s never worth it. If you think you feel bad now, imagine how humiliated you will be if your ex is able to have you arrested.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, it is morally and ethically wrong. The only worthy goal is to move forward without compromising your integrity. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord, and let me tell you, the Lord really knows what He’s doing in this area. Believe it or not, in a short time, you won’t care about revenge, BUT you’ll be avenged anyway because living well truly is the best revenge. For now, focus on returning to living well. Satisfy yourself that in a year or so, you will run into your ex and be looking great and living well, and your ex probably won’t be.

That’s truly the best you can hope for, and it has happened just that way for me several times. (And if I, a redheaded mountain girl, can keep my temper, so can you.) Most recently, I got an email from a guy who once told me that I wasn’t smart enough to go to law school. He asked what I was up to now. I truthfully reported that I couldn’t meet him for a drink as he wanted because I had a court date. Because I’m a lawyer now! I said this without any bitterness, but I’ll admit that it still felt pretty damn good.

If you let it, karma will do this for you every time. So let it. Trust me on this.

The temptation to self-medicate

In short, don’t do it.

This goes hand-in-hand with the “stop the bleeding” philosophy.

Naturally, you want to do anything to dull the pain, but at this time, it’s important to feel your feelings. While getting drunk may make you feel better momentarily, alcohol is a depressant and will make you feel worse overall. The cemeteries are full of people who overdosed on alcohol or drugs when they were feeling desperate.

Tempting though it may be, checking out will only extend your suffering. It will also make it much harder to keep up with your job and other obligations, and you’re having enough trouble as it is. Further, it will impair your judgment and send you into a downward spiral of increasingly bad decisions (such as drunk dialing or promiscuity), which means you’ve traded one bad situation for several even worse ones.

You can’t get over or around this. You’ve got to go through it. Commit to that.

Other people

It’s also tempting to “get over one person by getting under another,” as the saying goes.

Like self-medication, this doesn’t help and makes you feel even emptier than when you started… and now you’ve dragged another innocent person into your misery.

Again, no good can come of trying to start a new relationship when you’re desperate. You are simply postponing your pain and even making it worse while you’re hurting someone else in the bargain.

As difficult as it is, this is the time to learn that you are worthwhile just because you are—and not because someone else seems to think so.

I am aware of how old-fashioned I sound right now, and I’m fine with that. Despite the prevailing “hook-up culture,” I don’t want to have sex or otherwise share the most intimate part of myself with a man who does not love me. I frankly don’t believe that anyone can do this and feel good about it. Right now is a particularly bad time to try this experiment.

As low as you feel right now, do you really need to experience the feelings of shame and loss that occur when someone leaves your bed and showers to remove your scent so he or she can go back to their real life?

Think it through to the very end.

Eating and exercise

When I am very upset, I lose my appetite. This is counterproductive, because the unstable blood sugar that results from poor diet also causes mood swings. A good solution is to rely on protein bars or perhaps liquid nutrition such as Ensure until you can eat and keep food on your stomach.

When people ask what they can do to help, this is a good answer. Maybe they can make you some soup or stop by the store and bring you some Ensure.

Once you feel a little better, you may find that now you want to eat everything in sight, especially sweet, salty, or greasy comfort food. Those round molecules create a comforting mouthfeel (think ice cream) that soothes. It’s a good sign that you’re eating any sort of solid food, but of course you don’t want to overdo it. Give in to temptation, but set a boundary on how long you’re going to eat this way (perhaps two weeks), and try to balance this by getting some exercise.

As for exercise, for me, any sort of “moving forward” exercise (walking, running, cycling) done outdoors lifts my mood and calms anxiety. I would find myself wandering around for hours, Jane Eyre-style. Too bad I didn’t live on the moors. Try it, even if you can only walk for 10 minutes at a time. Maybe a close friend will walk with you sometimes.

Some people recommend yoga or group classes. For me, there is no way I could be in yoga for an hour or stay with a group class for any period of time. I needed something simple and solitary.

While any sort of strenuous exercise will help with anxiety and depression, it also makes you look amazing, which is nice when you feel anything but. While you’re at it, try to dress your best and keep up with your grooming. It’s hard, but it will make you feel better.

As hard as it is, try to treat your healing body well by giving it good nutrition and exercise. Your mind will catch up to your body eventually.

Journaling

You’ve got so many thoughts and feelings swirling in your mind. It may help to write them down. I’m not much for keeping a journal, but I did this when things were really bad and it helped.

Don’t judge yourself or edit yourself; just let it flow.

At the very least, it will feel like you’re doing something rather than wringing your hands. I found this feeling of being productive to be helpful.

You can write letters to your ex (that you won’t send) or you can identify feelings and intrusive thoughts. This can take the power out of these thoughts and feelings.

The knee-jerk reaction

Now that you feel worthless, it’s natural for your dying ego to thrash around and try to assert itself.

This often takes the form of starting a new relationship, going back to school, getting plastic surgery, etc.

Some of these things are harmless (such as trying a new hairstyle) while the more permanent changes need to wait until you are fully healed.

Despite that initial word of caution, it’s also true that many of the best ideas come at times like this. William Least Heat-Moon took off on a cross-country road trip, which became the book “Blue Highways.” Pema Chodron became a Buddhist nun. I went to law school.

Your journal is a great place to explore these ideas. Despite the pain, this can be an important period of self-discovery. May I suggest that sometimes, a great forest fire must sweep through and destroy everything so that the tender seeds can crack open and sprout? That has been my experience, anyhow.

You’ve lost yourself. It’s time to find yourself again. What do you want? What is your favorite food? What movies do you love or hate? Why? What are your values? These are good things to write about in your journal, big and small things that make you who you are. You matter. You exist. Remind yourself of that.

How long, O Lord?

Nothing you do will make you feel significantly better. That sounds discouraging, but it’s important to be realistic. Instead, you are looking for tiny improvements, the almost-imperceptible one-percent changes.

Consider an overcast sky. It doesn’t seem possible that the sun will ever break through, but after a while, you notice a tiny little patch of blue sky. Then, you notice another. Then, they start to merge until the sky is only mostly cloudy. Then, it’s partly cloudy. Later, it’s downright sunny.

You are trying for those tiny little patches of blue. That’s all. They will come, but it takes time and effort. But they will come as surely as the weather changes.

Many people wonder why I’m always noticing and photographing a single flower, or the side of an old house, or finding beauty in a stand of golden trees on the side of the interstate.

I have learned to look for the tiny blue patches.

Be patient with yourself.

The relationship autopsy

Not right now, but when you feel a little better, it will be time to examine this relationship (and perhaps all relationships) and identify what was right and what was wrong. This is NOT the same as blaming yourself. You’ve done plenty of that. Instead, you’re trying to identify any patterns that may be left over from your past so that you can begin to exorcise them. You want to learn from this, because that’s an important part of healing and will prevent you from getting stuck. It’s important for all of this suffering to mean something.

Forgiving yourself and learning lessons

The weeks and months following a breakup are a time of self-reflection, much of which is quite negative and downright brutal. Try as you might to avoid it, you’ll beat yourself up quite badly. You will experience every emotion possible, and when you emerge, you will have fought to the death for yourself.

That’s a triumph, but it’s hard to come through this without battle scars, and this is where journaling and therapy are helpful. You need to identify these false “lessons” and challenge them. Don’t let it define you. For example, you may find yourself thinking that you are not lovable, or that all men or all women can’t be trusted. We are surrounded by these walking wounded, and that’s too bad. Don’t become one of them.

If you allow yourself to heal properly, you will find tremendous power in the knowledge that you can recover from anything. You’re a winner.

One of the things that I respect the most about myself is that I can still love and trust. I am a compassionate person with an open heart and no bitterness. I am not shy about claiming this tremendous accomplishment after the things I have experienced. I have learned so much about myself and the world, and my capacity for love and compassion has increased ten-thousandfold. I now know my own strength and I know myself, and I have hope. I live in the sunshine, and I am well.

This is my wish for you.

You can do it. I believe in you. If you need me, I will help you.