You probably think this post is about you: Identifying and handling narcissists and other Cluster Bs

You’ve probably known someone who suffers from a personality disorder, even if you didn’t know what to call it.

                                                                                          

When we encounter these people, we feel hurt and confused, and we struggle to understand what is happening to us. We find ourselves entangled in an unhealthy relationship that seemed to start out blissfully, and we can’t figure out how we got here.

The most vexing type of personality disorder is the Cluster B personality disorder, which includes narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, and histrionic personality disorders. While I’m not a mental health professional, I hope to describe Cluster B personality disorders and provide solutions for dealing with those who suffer from them.

I’ll focus on two types—narcissistic and antisocial—but most of this information can be used to describe and cope with any of the Cluster B personality disorders. Indeed, the disorders overlap so much that the information here applies to any or all of them.

For clarity’s sake, then, I’ll refer to the person who suffers from the personality disorder as the “PD,” not to dehumanize them but to avoid wordiness and awkwardness.

What is Cluster B?

The American Psychiatric Association publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), a catalog of mental illnesses meant to aid mental health professionals with diagnosing various mental disorders.

The DSM classifies some of these illnesses as personality disorders, or a type of mental disorder characterized by a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning, and behaving.

Cluster A is reserved for the severe, odd, eccentric behaviors: paranoid, schizoid, and schizotypal. Cluster C houses the anxious, fearful type: avoidant, dependent, passive-aggressive, and obsessive-compulsive.

Cluster B gives us the dramatic, emotional, disruptive types: antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic. These people find it impossible to regulate their emotions, which results in toxic behavior and severe relationship difficulties.

Cluster B diagnosis

When diagnosing a person with a Cluster B personality disorder, the mental health professional reviews a list of behaviors and analyzes whether the client exhibits many or most of those behaviors consistently over time. The client need not exhibit all of the traits on the list. Further, the disorders overlap, meaning that someone who suffers from one type of personality disorder will exhibit some of the traits of another type.

Narcissistic personality disorder

We throw the word “narcissist” around a lot, using it to describe someone who is egotistical. To us, the narcissist is vain and prideful, bragging and putting on airs.

Narcissists often behave this way, but narcissism is deeper and more sinister than this. The narcissistic actually harbors a deep self-hatred and compensates by displaying exaggerated feelings of self-importance and excessive need for admiration.

The narcissist would be obnoxious and frustrating but ultimately harmless, except for two key factors: They lack empathy and they are master manipulators.

To the narcissist, other people exist to provide narcissistic supply. In other words, your only function in the relationship is to praise them, to prop up their self-worth, and to never, ever criticize or question. If you fail to do this, you’ll first be the target of narcissistic rage, being called worthless, stupid, and unlovable. Then, you’ll be seamlessly replaced by a new target who provides a fresh source of narcissistic supply.

The Mayo Clinic lists these traits for narcissistic personality disorder:

·         Exaggerated sense of self-importance

·         Sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration

·         Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

·         Exaggerate achievements and talents

·         Preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate

·         Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people

·         Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior

·         Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations

·         Take advantage of others to get what they want

·         Unable or unwilling to recognize the needs and feelings of others

·         Envious of others and believe others envy them

·         Arrogant or haughty, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious

·         Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

Antisocial personality disorder

Like “narcissist,” we often carelessly misuse the term “antisocial” to describe a socially awkward person who doesn’t like to be around other people. This is inaccurate.

Those who suffer from antisocial personality disorder (formerly known as sociopaths) show no regard for the rights and feelings of others. They manipulate, use, and treat others with cold indifference and feel no remorse. At the disorder’s extreme, we find violent criminals such as serial killers, but not all antisocials are violent criminals. Most, however, find it hard to follow rules and conform to expectations, thereby finding it difficult to maintain healthy relationships, jobs, and living situations.

Because they are unable to see other people as individuals with rights, antisocials tend to treat others as appliances to be used and then discarded when they no longer serve a purpose. Violent criminals do this quite literally, but all antisocials use people and then cast them aside when they’ve served their purpose.

To explain this phenomenon, I use the example of a toaster. You’re happy with your toaster. It has functioned perfectly every day for years, toasting your bread in just the way you like without any problems. One morning, however, it fails to work properly. What do you do? You stop by Target on the way home from work, buy another toaster, and parade the new toaster into your kitchen right past the old one. You then pitch the old toaster into the garbage and never give it another thought. Why would you? The toaster is an inanimate object with no capacity to feel hurt, an appliance for you to use to satisfy your needs until it stopped working. This is precisely how an antisocial interacts with other human beings.

To the antisocial, you exist in order to meet his or her needs. The moment you stop doing that—or the moment you complain about it or otherwise fail to do it quietly and easily—you are replaced in the harshest and coldest manner imaginable.

For antisocial personality disorder, Mayo gives this list:

·         Disregard for right and wrong

·         Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others

·         Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others

·         Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure

·         Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated

·         Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior

·         Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty

·         Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead

·         Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence

·         Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others

·         Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others

·         Poor or abusive relationships

·         Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them

·         Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations

Key behaviors of the PD

The above traits manifest themselves in a variety of ways. I picked out four of the most common. If you’re in any sort of relationship with a PD, you’ve no doubt been on the receiving end of one or more of these behaviors:

Gaslighting

Here, the PD attempts to manipulate you in a way that makes you doubt your own sanity. You begin to question your perception of reality.

For example: Your boss yells at you for failing to complete a report by the deadline of Thursday at noon. You are sure that she originally said Friday at noon, but she is so adamant that you begin to doubt yourself. You retrieve the email in which she wrote “Friday at noon.” She then pivots, claiming that you are too literal, and now you’re trying to make her look bad by gathering evidence against her. She calls you vindictive and petty.

Boundary testing

PDs constantly test your boundaries to see which ones they can cross. It starts small at first and increases over time if the PD discovers that there are no consequences to these violations.

Example: An adult child has access to an elderly parent’s bank account. He “accidentally” writes a check from the account to cover his cell phone bill. The adult parent accepts this explanation and doesn’t insist on being repaid, and before you know it, the PD has written another check, and then another… and hundreds and then thousands of dollars are missing.

Instability

Any relationship has ups and downs, but a healthy relationship is mostly stable and seems to unfold at a normal rate. A relationship with a PD begins quickly and intensely, and then mimics a roller coaster ride. At some point, the PD may disappear entirely.

The PD may have a poor relationship history, littered with broken friendships, alienated family members, a spotty work history, damaged credit, lawsuits, and bitter divorces and breakups.

This outer instability is due to the inner instability of the PD’s inability to control their emotions.

Abuse and control

A relationship with a PD is always on the PD’s terms, and it can be damaging and downright dangerous. Abuse takes many forms, including verbal, financial, emotional, sexual, and physical. The PD does not recognize the rights and needs of other people, so he or she belittles, devalues, shames, steals from, and even injures other people without remorse.

Like the other behaviors, it starts almost imperceptibly and escalates.

Am I dealing with a PD?

Again, we’re not mental health professionals, and we’re not equipped to diagnose or treat anyone. Instead, we’re trying to take care of ourselves by figuring out why we feel so bad and what we might do about it.

Remember that you can’t control or change anyone else. You can only change your own behavior, so your focus must be on the relationship’s effect on you.

Consider these questions:

1) Changes in tone: Have you noticed a marked change from when the relationship began? A healthy relationship is exciting but begins drama-free and unfolds slowly and steadily. Perhaps you were put on a pedestal at first, but now feel that you have to prove yourself. You may feel insecure, particularly if you’re experiencing a “push-pull” dynamic.

2) Self-esteem: While self-esteem is an inside job, healthy relationships tend to support our self-esteem because we are loved and respected (despite our flaws) by those who we love and respect (despite their flaws). When you’re involved with a PD, you may feel ashamed because you are accepting treatment that you know is unacceptable or because you find yourself giving insincere compliments and affirmation.

3) Interactions: What are your conversations like with this person? Are they relatively calm and satisfying, or must you constantly defend yourself? Perhaps you walk away shaking your head and doubting yourself every time.

4) Invalidation: When you express concerns, are you heard or are your feelings invalidated? Your feelings should be acknowledged, even if the other person disagrees with you. Don’t accept: “You’re too sensitive… you’re so jealous… you’re too suspicious… you’re so negative….”

5) Cooperation: Is there a give-and-take, or is everything on the other person’s terms? Can you ask for things, request feedback, discuss problems? Are your texts, emails, and phone calls returned with reasonable promptness as you return those sent to you?

6) Abuse: Has the other person yelled at you, belittled you, disrespected you, taken money from you, cheated on you, talked about you behind your back, lied to you, stolen your ideas at work, manipulated you, or abused you in any other way?

7) Community: What do your friends and family think of this person? This is key: If you are completely honest and forthcoming about every aspect of this relationship, do the people who love you and have your best interests at heart believe that you should stay in this job, friendship, or relationship? CAN you be completely honest and forthcoming with others about the relationship?

8) Health: Listen to your body. Have you developed depression, anxiety, skin rashes, sleep disturbances including nightmares, stomach problems, fatigue, etc.? Are you taking care of yourself, or have you stopped exercising or eating healthy? When I ignore my heart and brain, the rest of my body starts complaining loudly. This could be indicative of any bad relationship or another problem, but it’s worth noting.

9) Your emotions: After you interact with this person, do you feel frustrated, angry, anxious, embarrassed, hopeless, sad? A healthy relationship makes you feel at ease, appreciated, optimistic, and happy.

10) Obsession: Do you find yourself thinking of this person constantly, trying to figure out why he said this or why she failed to do that? Do you talk about the other person constantly to other people? PDs are often the object of everyone’s fascination because their behavior is so outrageous. Perhaps the person is constantly receiving gifts, invitations, accolades, or help from people with whom they’ve got no real relationship.

In part, the obsession comes from the same place as addiction through a process known as traumatic bonding. In lab studies, rats who were offered treats as a reward every time they hit a lever with their paw accepted the treats but were unimpressed. Rats who never got a reward, of course, lost interest immediately. Rats who were given a reward intermittently—sometimes, they’d hit the lever and get a treat and sometimes not, but it was unpredictable—became obsessed with the lever and whacked it fervently.

It’s the same with you and PDs. They are manipulative and unpredictable, giving you rewards sometimes and cold indifference or even abuse at other times. This operates on the same centers of the brain as drug addiction, so it’s natural that we become obsessed. As the neuroscientists say, the quintessential dopamine trigger is “maybe.”

Consider each one of these points carefully. Then, you’ll have your answer.

How to deal with PDs in personal relationships

Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible for mental health professionals to treat someone with a Cluster B personality disorder. Some change is possible, but sweeping changes are rare. In other words, if you choose to stay in a relationship with a PD, you will need to employ certain tactics to manage the relationship. Remember that you will be managing your own feelings, reactions, and expectations but will not be changing the PD.

Your choice of tactics depends both on the nature of your relationship with the PD and on the severity of the problem. It’s a spectrum.

The Zen approach

This gentle approach may be enough to solve the problem. Try to be mindful so you can remain detached: “Oh, that’s interesting. Look what he’s saying to me now. It makes sense that he’s angry at me, because I disagreed with him.” Remember that it’s not personal. Resist the temptation to fight back.

Set clear boundaries

PDs constantly test boundaries, so it’s important to have clearly defined boundaries and to enforce them. When setting boundaries, it’s important to communicate them clearly, to plan how you’ll respond when they’re tested, and to be consistent in enforcing them.

Example: It’s not helpful to say, “Don’t yell at me!” When you think about it, this isn’t a boundary at all and is an attempt to change the PD’s behavior. Instead, try: “When you yell at me, I feel threatened and can’t process what you’re saying. If you yell at me, I’ll walk away until you can speak to me in a reasonable manner.” Then, do it.

Detach

Limit your interactions with the PD. You might decide to visit your parents only on major holidays and call to check on them once a month. Another way to detach: Stop sharing your personal life with the PD, as this gives them ammo to create drama and to hurt you. Refuse to participate in the PD’s chaos. Conflict requires two sides, and if you calmly refuse to take the bait, you’re not involved.

You are 50 percent of every relationship. No matter what the PD does, you choose how and if to respond. Remember the three Cs: I didn’t cause this behavior, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.

No-contact rule

Here, you cut off all forms of contact with the person, cutting them dead. You declare relationship death.

If the PD is merely an acquaintance, a distant cousin, or someone you’ve been dating for a few weeks, no-contact is a sound choice. It doesn’t make sense to work on a relationship that barely exists anyway, and life is too short.

But no-contact is appropriate for closer relationships, too. If the PD is abusing you, stealing from you, or otherwise destroying your life, you may need to practice no-contact even if it’s your own mother.

This method is simple, but it’s not easy. It’s painful to give up on someone, and even if the person is abusive, you may miss them terribly. Still, if your well-being and peace of mind are at stake, this is a sacrifice you may be forced to make.

When you choose no-contact, you will likely need support. Seek therapy, surround yourself with close friends, and visit a supportive online forum. Start with the excellent Internet forum Out of the FOG. Here, you can share your experiences and learn from others, and there are numerous helpful tools and resources: https://outofthefog.website/

It’s crucial to practice self-care and get support in order to heal.

How to deal with PDs at work

Personal relationships with PDs are difficult enough, but when the PD is a boss, client, or co-worker, it adds an extra layer of stress and requires finesse because our livelihood is at stake.

Presumably, the no-contact rule isn’t an option here, so choose other tactics to protect yourself if the situation is untenable but you can’t change jobs.

First, consider whether Human Resources can help. If you can talk to an HR representative confidentially, do so. Many companies have mediation and other resources to help resolve conflict. At the very least, you want to start documenting your efforts.

Second, and speaking of documentation, be sure to document everything. Communicate in writing (email), and archive the emails. Don’t just save things on your work computer or hard drive, because those will not be available to you if you get fired or otherwise have to leave your job suddenly. Avoid being alone with the PD. You may need witnesses.

Even when you have an interaction in person, document your impressions through a process that lawyers call memorializing. If you have an in-person conversation, immediately follow up with an email. “As we just discussed in the hallway, we agreed that I would take off Friday, March 29, 2019, to be with my mother during her surgery.” For idea-stealers, try: “At today’s lunchtime meeting, I suggested that we start emailing the TPS reports and stop mailing them. This will save $x in mailing costs while getting the reports to our clients faster.” When emails are not appropriate, keep a journal.

Third, become a “gray rock” and keep things at a “medium chill.” This is a method of detachment that allows you to fly under the radar. A grey rock becomes flat and uninteresting, which is the opposite of the dynamic, successful, and interesting person that attracts the PD. When you operate at medium chill, you refuse to take the bait, to get involved in the PD’s drama. Do not give personal information or share opinions with this person. In particular, do not share workplace gossip or offer opinions about a co-worker. This is good practice anyway, so it’s an opportunity to clean up your behavior at work. When the PD asks you an intrusive question, respond with noncommittal answers such as: “It’s simply my preference” or “Let me think about that.” If the PD tries to draw you into office intrigue, respond with “It’s none of my business” or “That’s too bad” or “You should probably take it up with her directly.”

Fourth, remember the Zen approach. You can remain mindful and detached and choose how you react to provocation. Again, try the out-of-body approach: “Huh. That’s interesting. She’s making a joke about my divorce in this meeting with our boss. I wonder if she’s acting out because I just made a well-received suggestion. I can feel that she just pushed my buttons, because I think I’m embarrassed about my divorce. I’ll choose not to respond, because I want to maintain my professional demeanor and keep the focus on my work.”

Finally, know your legal rights. If you believe that HR won’t be supportive, talk to an employment lawyer. Review the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s information here: https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/practices/

Forgive yourself

It’s easy for anyone to be the target of a PD. We’re lured by the validation and promise of professional success, love, and acceptance. We tend to beat ourselves up for not being able to get out. Once we’re out, we beat ourselves up for failing to get out sooner.

Sometimes, we feel guilty for acting in our own self-interest. Feelings of guilt are normal, but as a friend of mine says: “I leave the metaphysics and philosophy to those well-equipped for such matters. I suspect this: If we consistently behave in ways that protect us from those who cause us pain, we will be happier and healthier. Moral culpability is important, but I stand by my practical position: If a car is careening towards me on the sidewalk, it doesn’t matter whether the driver is a terrorist or an elderly man suffering a heart attack. I must take action to protect myself.”

The very things that make you good—kindness, compassion, a strong work ethic, family values, and the desire to love and be loved—unfortunately make you a target for unhealthy people. When you feel discouraged, remember that you are learning. You are training yourself to spot this behavior in the future and to deal with it successfully.

Take care of yourself.

The number is a beast: How to raise your FICO score

We’re often told that it doesn’t matter what others think of us. This may be true in general, but when it comes to credit, reputation is everything.

If your credit score is too low, you will pay higher interest on your loans—if you can get a loan at all. Indeed, a low credit score means you may not be able to buy a house or make other large purchases.

For this reason, it’s crucial to know your credit score and to do everything you can to raise it.

The FICO score

The most commonly used credit score is calculated by the Fair Isaac Corporation, which is why it’s called a FICO score. Fair Isaac bases your FICO score on your payment history, the total amount of your debt, and how many open debt accounts you’ve got.

A FICO score of less than 580 reflects no credit or damaged credit, and it is unlikely that you’ll qualify for a loan with reputable lenders with this score. A FICO score of 580 to 669 is average, while a score of 670 to 739 is average. A FICO score of 740 to 799 is excellent, while a score above 800 is exceptional.

If your FICO score is 740 or above, keep doing what you’re doing. If it’s less than 740, it’s important to bring your score up if you ever hope to qualify for a mortgage or a car loan. (It’s possible to get a loan with a low FICO score, but the interest rate will be high.)

Checking your credit

Once a year OR anytime you’ve been declined for a loan, you’re entitled to request your credit report free of charge from the three major credit reporting agencies: TransUnion, EquiFax, and Experian.

If you plan to apply for a loan in the upcoming months, it’s important to get these reports now so that you’ve got time to review them and correct any errors. You don’t want to be surprised when you’re shopping for a home or car.

Go to www.experian.com, www.transunion.com, and www.equifax.com to request your reports. Do NOT request your reports through any other source. These other sources charge money for something you are entitled to receive for free, and they may be scams or try to sell you unnecessary financial products.

In most cases, you can request your credit report online and get it almost immediately.

Correcting errors

Step one is the easiest: Once you get your reports, read them carefully for any errors. Errors are common: A study by the Federal Trade Commission found that 26 percent of reports had an error that negatively affected the credit score.

For example, maybe your credit card company has reported that you were late on a payment when you were not. Perhaps your report shows an open account that you closed years ago.

If you see an error, contact the credit bureau that issued the report. They’re required to investigate, to review your documentation, and to correct the errors.

Once you’re sure your credit report is accurate, it’s time to tackle the bigger issues.

Pay your bills on time

This sounds obvious, but of course it’s where most people get into trouble. You can’t change the past, but if you begin to pay all of your bills on time, your credit score will begin to rise almost immediately. Older late payments have a smaller impact on your score than more recent late payments.

In particular, try to stay current on your credit card payments, as these can have the biggest impact on your FICO score. For example, if you are more than 90 days late with a single credit card payment, it can damage your credit for up to seven years.

Do everything you can to get current and stay current. Use tools such as automatic payments and calendar reminders.

Try to pay off credit card debt

The ratio of how much debt you owe compared to your credit limit affects your credit score. For this reason, it’s important to carry as little credit card debt as possible and to pay as much as you can toward the balance each month. Obviously, the worst practice is to max out your credit cards and pay only the minimum payment each month.

Don’t close old accounts

For the same reason, don’t close old accounts (as long as they’re not costing you money). When you close old accounts, it limits the amount of available credit you’ve got. As stated above, you want as little debt as possible compared to your available credit limit.

Limit new accounts

Whenever you apply for credit, it affects your credit score—particularly if you are declined. It’s tempting to apply for new credit cards or department store credit cards (particularly when they pester you to do so every time you’re at the register), but resist the temptation.

Whenever you apply for credit, the lender checks your credit. This is known as a “hard inquiry.” Too many hard inquiries and your FICO score goes down. (Plus, you’re trying to spend less money, so new revolving credit lines are a bad idea.) Hard inquiries stay on your credit report for two years, so take care to limit these.

Work with collection agencies

If you’ve got delinquent debt on your credit report, and these debts have been turned over to a collection agency, you can use this to your advantage.

If you can afford to pay the entire balance, contact the collection agency and offer to pay off the debt in exchange for the collection agency’s removing the debt from your credit report. This is called “pay for delete,” and it can raise your FICO score significantly. In addition to the collection agency’s promise to “pay for delete,” be sure to get a “pay for delete” letter for your records.

Ask for forgiveness

This doesn’t always work, but it’s worth a try. If your credit report shows a late payment or two, ask the lender if they’ll have the late payment notification removed. If you’re a valued customer and you’ve paid mostly on time, the lender may agree to do this simply to keep you as a happy client.

Should I become an authorized user?

I see this “tip” quite often, but it doesn’t seem worth it to me because it’s terribly risky.

If you know someone with better credit than you, such as a parent or a significant other, you can ask to be added to their credit card account as an authorized user. You get your own credit card on the account, and you can make purchases with the card.

Your credit score rises a bit because your available credit has increased, plus you’re demonstrating that someone will give you access to their credit.

I’m sure you can see the risks involved here. First, if your credit is bad, perhaps you’ll use your new credit card and plunge your benefactor into debt and damage his or her credit along with yours—to say nothing of the damage to the relationship. Second, if your benefactor defaults, you’re liable for his or her debt—and these late payments and defaults will damage your credit as surely as if you had defaulted on your own.

While this tip theoretically can raise your FICO score, I don’t recommend it and I’m surprised that any financial adviser would.

It can be discouraging and scary to order your credit reports, but if you face the problem head-on and do the hard work of repairing your credit, it’s worth it.