"Man's best support is a very dear friend."--Cicero
A note about style: To avoid cumbersome “he
or she” or “your friend or relative or co-colleague” language, I am calling the
survivor “your person” and will use the pronoun “he.” Everything here applies
to all relationship, ages, genders, and types of tragedies.
When
someone you love is hurting, you hurt, too. You’d do anything to take the pain
away, but you can’t, and you feel helpless. You know you need to be there for
your person, but you don’t know how.
Your words
and deeds at this time will make all the difference in how your person heals,
and your relationship will deepen because of this.
That’s
a lot of responsibility, however, because the converse is true as well. Your
failure to support your person will damage your relationship, and it can also
intensify his suffering.
An open wound
During
the first days and weeks following a loss, the survivor is on high alert. He is
wounded, and so the fight-or-flight response in his limbic brain has been
triggered. He feels everything deeply, and he hears every word you say with
intense clarity and takes it to heart. The wounded mind takes a snapshot of
everything and stores it forever.
Everything
is internalized during this awful time.
For
this reason, you must proceed with great care.
Consider
your words and deeds with extra sensitivity now.
Stop talking
Your
person is in shock, and perhaps has been stunned into silence.
It’s
almost irresistible to fill this awkward gap with words, but resist all the
same. When we rush in with words, the words are usually poorly conceived and
often hurtful.
It is
perfectly fine to sit with someone in silence. Maybe that’s what your person
needs the most.
If you’ve
got to say something, say “I’m so sorry. I’m here for you. I’m on your side.”
It’s
important to listen much more than you talk.
Don’t panic
When
tragedy strikes, you may have the urge to run away from your person. The
awfulness of the event and your person’s intense feelings about it may feel
like too much to handle.
This is
obviously the wrong way to go.
Instead,
acknowledge to yourself that you are afraid and seek help for yourself if
necessary. Whatever you do, don’t turn away from your person. Vow to yourself
that you will try.
If your
person brings up suicide or appears to be in danger of self-harm, such as risky
behavior or substance abuse, this is normal but of course should be monitored
closely.
I
recommend the counselors at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call 1-800-273-8255). They are trained to
advise caregivers in determining the threat level and then dealing with it.
If
possible, now may be the time to open your home to your person, or to stay with
him until the immediate crisis passes.
At the
very least, agree with your person to check in at agreed-upon intervals, and
then follow through.
Me, too!
This is
a tricky area.
On one
hand, it’s a lifesaver to hear from people who have survived your particular
brand of tragedy.
On the
other hand, this type of advice can easily turn into “I survived it, so why can’t
you?” or “My situation was much worse, and I didn’t miss this much work.”
We’ve
all had hard times. The trick is to use our experiences to become more
compassionate while avoiding the temptation to turn preachy.
Try to
be aware of how much you’re talking about yourself and comparing your situation
to that of your person.
I don’t understand
Whether
we’ve been there or not, it’s hard to empathize fully with another person’s
grief.
It can
be especially hurtful to hear phrases such as “You weren’t together that long,
so I don’t see why you still miss him” or “it has been six months; I don’t know
why you can’t clean out your mother’s closet.”
Now not
only does your person feel bad, he feels bad for feeling bad.
Watch
your language.
Instead
of “I don’t understand,” try “Help me to understand.” Better yet, simply accept
that you need not understand WHY your person is devastated, just that he is.
You don’t need to understand any more than that.
The search for meaning
In your
haste to make your person feel better, you’ll want try to help him see the good
in the situation.
Resist
this urge.
It’s
too soon to ask your person to look on the bright side. When it’s time for
that, he will try to find ways to do it, and you can gently support him at that
time. But not now.
Phrases
such as “She’s in a better place,” “God needed a special angel,” or “You’re
better off without him,” are unwelcome.
When
bad things happen, nothing makes sense.
The
stunned survivor will shake his head and say “I don’t understand why this
happened.”
Let him
feel bewildered and angry at this injustice. Don’t take that away from him.
Tough talk
Surprisingly,
some well-meaning folks believe that they can help by telling you to grow up,
get over yourself, and stop wallowing in your misery.
This
sometimes takes the form of your friends’ urging you to place a personal ad,
showing up at your house on Saturday night to “kidnap” you and force you out on
the town, and other macabre schemes.
Grief
has no timetable. It takes as long as it takes.
If you
are very close to the person and observe that he is stuck after a period of
several months, gently help him get professional help.
It is
never a good idea to try to shock an already shocked person.
Practical ways to help
We
always say “tell me if I can do anything,” but few people take us up on this
vague offer.
Instead,
gently suggest non-intrusive ways that you might help.
People
did these things for me, and so now I use this approach:
“Would
it be all right if I stopped by on Saturday mornings for a while? We could take
a walk in the park if you feel like it… or just talk.”
“When I
was going through a divorce, my friend Linda came to court with me, and it
helped. How would you feel if I came to court with you?”
“After
my dog died, my friend came over a month later and gathered his things to
donate to the humane society. How does that sound to you?”
“When I
went through a breakup, I couldn’t eat. I’ve made some soup, so I’ll bring you
some and we’ll try some together.”
It’s
always helpful to do things that stop your person sinking even further. The
daily activities of life, such as eating, paying bills, and remembering
appointments can be overwhelming. It’s also helpful to have someone to talk to
who understands, or at least who wants to.
Truly,
the most helpful thing anyone has ever said to me is: “You matter to me.”
