A better man: How to avoid danger and have a wonderful life with honest people

This is condensed from ideas I shared in a roundtable discussion with other lawyers. Two important notes: 1) All of this information comes from my private practice and not with my work for the state, and 2) I changed minor details to protect the identities of some of the parties.

A recent newspaper article tells this familiar tale: A Texas woman met a man online and formed a romantic entanglement with him. She allowed him to move into her home and gave him access to her money, only to discover too late that he was in concurrent relationships with several other women in different states and was bleeding them dry, too. Now, her life savings is gone and so is the man.

Before we judge, we should note that the women in these stories are usually smart, professional women. They are not gullible in other matters. Still, these women were fooled. Why? Mainly: The men are masters of deception. They spot vulnerabilities and capitalize on them. It’s simply what they do, just as a shark swims and feeds on prey.

There’s something else at work here, too. I am often surprised that most people are unaware of some free or low-cost methods for checking someone’s background using matters that are public record and are therefore available to everyone who knows where to look.

This is a sad story, but it’s not a new story. Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of the story is the women’s typical refrain: “I had no way to know that he wasn’t who he said he was.” The reporters often repeat this: “How could they have known?”

This always surprises me when I hear this, because it occurs to me that most people truly do not know how to spot inconsistencies and verify information.

Because I have done thousands of background checks over the years and because it happens to be something for which I’ve got a knack, I have developed several resources that I have found trustworthy. Any of these strategies would have saved the women in this story.

To avoid confusion and because the article that we were discussing has this particular set of facts, I will use masculine pronouns for the perpetrator and feminine pronouns for the victim and I will assume a romantic relationship. This doesn’t universally hold true, of course: Women do this to men, too, and it happens in same-sex relationships, friendships, and even professional relationships.

It’s critical to point this out: Do not break the law by attempting to get information through sources that are not public record. Do not misrepresent yourself or otherwise use dishonest methods to gain access to confidential information. Also, remember that healthy relationships are built on trust and honesty. Do not “investigate” someone who is making a good-faith effort to be upfront with you. Many people become world-class detectives when they are dating someone. Snooping can be morally wrong, and it’s a breach of trust. If you cannot ask questions and be satisfied with the answers, the problem may lie with you, and you should not be dating until you have resolved it.

Again, these tips are meant only to protect someone who has serious questions about another person’s integrity and may therefore be in danger. In short, it’s the remedy for “I had no way of knowing.”

1. Gut feelings: You’ve got doubts, and that fact alone is a red flag. It means that something about this person doesn’t add up, and yet you may be unable to articulate exactly what it is yet. Still, you know something is wrong, so don’t ignore that feeling.

It also means that you don’t feel that you can ask certain questions or that you’re not getting straight answers when you do ask them. This alone is reason enough to put the brakes on.

All of these stories include a lot of “I thought it was odd when…” and “I wondered why he….”

2. Family relationships: Have you met his family? If he hasn’t got a somewhat stable relationship with his mother, father, siblings, and children, this is a bad sign unless there is a reasonable explanation for ONE of these broken relationships.

For example, he may have a tense relationship with his father, because his father is an alcoholic and abandoned the family at some point, but he acknowledges this and still has a close relationship with the rest of the family. That’s normal family dysfunction.

Certainly, if he says that his family refuses to speak to him or that they’re afraid of him, this signifies danger.

3. Current work: Has he got a real job? Is it something he can describe to you in more than just vague terms?

This is one of the biggest lies that con artists tell: “I’m retired military, and I’m doing contract work overseas.” This is true because it sounds dashing and inspires sympathy, but it also provides a handy excuse for not giving you details (national security!) and for being gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked with a lot of retired military men who are doing contract work overseas, and all of them can tell you where they’re working (in general), for whom, and what they’re doing (again, in general terms). Even if it’s a matter of national security, he can give you the name of the company and tell you what he’s doing without revealing confidential information: training troops or working security, say.

There are few legitimate reasons for a person’s job to be a mystery.

Beware also: The “entrepreneur.” Real entrepreneurs can tell you what they sell or what service they provide, and they ought to be out there selling it or providing it much of the time. Self-employment should still look like employment.

4. Military service: Speaking of military service, if the guy is not close friends with the men with whom he served, he is either lying about his military service entirely, or something is very wrong with him. Military men are always lifelong close friends with the men with whom they served. Always. If his military service sounds too heroic to be true, ask other men you know who served in the military and get their take on it. Military men can spot a phony story from a mile away.

Obviously, the military and the Veterans Administration will not release any information to you. It’s a violation of the soldier’s privacy, both legally and ethically, so do not attempt this.

5. Professional licensure: Speaking of jobs, check his professional licensure. If he is a doctor, lawyer, accountant, or a member of one of many other professions, he is required to be licensed by the state in which he practices. This is the number one place I look after I look at criminal records, and this has proven incredibly fruitful. No one ever thinks to look here, but it is in fact one place you should always look—and it’s free.

You can either go to the state’s website and navigate to the secretary of state’s page and go from there OR simply Google his profession, the state, and “licensure” or “license lookup.” Make sure you go to the official .gov page. Every state’s board of licensure for each profession has a license verification feature for the public’s use.

You will find out whether he is licensed to practice and whether he has been disciplined and why.

Also, if he was a member of a profession but claims that he decided to stop practicing, take heed. People change careers for legitimate reasons (Example: After 20 years, he’s decided to stop practicing as a Certified Public Accountant in order to teach accounting at a college.) Still, this is a little unusual given the time and effort that it takes to become a certified member of a profession, so you should look up his license to see if his story checks out.

Example: I did a background check on someone who claimed to be a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) but said he left the profession because he “wanted a change.” The change he wanted was to avoid discipline for sexual misconduct. He was on probation with his state’s licensing board due to “sexual touching/sexual remarks directed at a patient.” While he was on probation, another patient in another city reported him for the same offense, and he lost his license.

6. Criminal records: You likely will not be able to run an official criminal background check on someone without having a legitimate business purpose for doing so, and even then you’d need the person’s permission to do it.

An official criminal records check is not necessary, however. I use an online reporting service for this, and while it’s not perfect, I have been impressed with the results. You’ll pay a small fee (usually $20), but it’s worth every penny. I use beenverified.com, and it’s the only such service I recommend.

Example: A father felt that there was something not quite right about the man who was dating his daughter. Five minutes later, we knew that he had beaten his pregnant girlfriend nearly to death in another state and had domestic violence charges pending in yet another.

I warn you that not all jurisdictions report timely and completely, so this is not foolproof. Still, I urge you not to skip this step.

7. Prison time: Your state’s Department of Corrections website has an offender search for all current and released inmates going back several years. Check every state in which he’s lived.

This doesn’t work if he’s been in the county jail but was not sentenced to prison. Most county sheriff departments and metropolitan police departments have a similar website and arrest reports for their jurisdiction, however.

Example: I did a criminal background check on a man in a distant state and found that he hadn’t been convicted of a crime. He was in the county jail, though, awaiting trial on multiple felony counts that included running an auto theft ring in several states.

8. Sex offender registry: Similarly, look him up on the state sex offender registry for every state in which you know he’s lived. The FBI maintains a directory of these, so you can simply click on the link of the state in question (https://www.fbi.gov/scams-and-safety/sex-offender-registry). While you’re at it, quickly check the national registry at https://www.nsopw.gov. These are very thorough and are free and easy to use.

9. Property records: These are usually (but not always) maintained on each county’s tax assessor’s website. These sites are free and easy to use, but it can be very tedious to go to every county’s website where you think me may own property. Do it anyway, because it’s important to know what real property he owns, WITH WHOM, and whether there are any encumbrances on the property (such as liens).

Example: A woman was wondering if her new boyfriend was being honest when he said he owned his own home. We looked it up, and indeed he did own his own home… with his wife of 35 years.

10. Court records: As with real property records, you’ll probably have to go to each court’s website. Sometimes, you may have to pay a small fee to view documents online. This is the place to find out if someone has been the defendant in a criminal trial, for example, and sometimes you can find marriage and divorce records here.

11. Driving records: As with general criminal records, you probably won’t be able to order another person’s driving record without his permission (check your state’s law here https://www.dmv.org/driving-records.php), so don’t bother. The above tips about criminal convictions, jail time, and similar will tell you everything you need to know. Most states report to a central electronic database, and beenverified.com will have this information. It doesn’t have details, but you can see whether something was an infraction such as a speeding ticket or a more serious criminal charge. Once you know that and know the jurisdiction, you can check the county court’s database as described above if you need more details.

But more to the point: Ask him: Has he got a driver’s license? If not, why not? There is almost nothing he can say here that will be a satisfactory answer. There are a few reasons why an adult wouldn’t have a driver’s license, and 99 percent of those reasons are bad. Typically, it signals a substance abuse problem or child support arrears.

12. Online presence: Odds are, you’ve already Googled him six ways to Sunday, so there’s little to add here. One red flag you may have missed: If he hasn’t got much of an online presence at all, that’s quite unusual in this day and age, and you should figure out why. People who use assumed names and move around a lot don’t. Almost everyone else does, even if they don’t really care to.

13. Ask him: You can tell a lot by the way a person answers a question. Pay attention to the answer. If the person answers a different question than the one you asked, something is wrong.

Example: If you ask someone if he uses drugs and he says, “That’s ridiculous. I don’t even drink,” note that he didn’t answer your question. A friend of mine asked a man if he had ever abused a woman. He answered, “I mean, I’ve never beaten up a woman, if that’s what you’re asking.”

People rarely lie outright. People often fail to tell the truth, however.

By the same token, he may answer a question honestly, but we don’t want to hear the answer. We’ve got to keep working on that. It’s unfair to expect a man to be someone he’s not and then be disappointed or angry when he doesn’t change.

In conclusion: I believe most people are honest and downright terrific. That has been my experience. Further, some of the best people I know have committed crimes or have made other serious mistakes in the past, but they have taken responsibility, made amends, and are now committed to leading an ethical life. We have ALL made mistakes.

Every now and then, however, we encounter a person who hasn’t got our best interest at heart and may be physically, emotionally or financially dangerous.

It is our responsibility to be able to tell the difference and to protect ourselves.