You’ve
probably known someone who suffers from a personality disorder, even if you
didn’t know what to call it.
When
we encounter these people, we feel hurt and confused, and we struggle to understand
what is happening to us. We find ourselves entangled in an unhealthy
relationship that seemed to start out blissfully, and we can’t figure out how
we got here.
The
most vexing type of personality disorder is the Cluster B personality disorder,
which includes narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, and histrionic personality
disorders. While I’m not a mental health professional, I hope to describe
Cluster B personality disorders and provide solutions for dealing with those
who suffer from them.
I’ll
focus on two types—narcissistic and antisocial—but most of this information can
be used to describe and cope with any of the Cluster B personality disorders.
Indeed, the disorders overlap so much that the information here applies to any
or all of them.
For
clarity’s sake, then, I’ll refer to the person who suffers from the personality
disorder as the “PD,” not to dehumanize them but to avoid wordiness and
awkwardness.
What is Cluster B?
The
American Psychiatric Association publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual (DSM), a catalog of mental illnesses meant to aid mental health
professionals with diagnosing various mental disorders.
The
DSM classifies some of these illnesses as personality disorders, or a type of
mental disorder characterized by a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking,
functioning, and behaving.
Cluster
A is reserved for the severe, odd, eccentric behaviors: paranoid, schizoid, and
schizotypal. Cluster C houses the anxious, fearful type: avoidant, dependent,
passive-aggressive, and obsessive-compulsive.
Cluster
B gives us the dramatic, emotional, disruptive types: antisocial, borderline,
histrionic, and narcissistic. These people find it impossible to regulate their
emotions, which results in toxic behavior and severe relationship difficulties.
Cluster B diagnosis
When
diagnosing a person with a Cluster B personality disorder, the mental health
professional reviews a list of behaviors and analyzes whether the client
exhibits many or most of those behaviors consistently over time. The client
need not exhibit all of the traits on the list. Further, the disorders overlap,
meaning that someone who suffers from one type of personality disorder will
exhibit some of the traits of another type.
Narcissistic personality disorder
We
throw the word “narcissist” around a lot, using it to describe someone who is egotistical.
To us, the narcissist is vain and prideful, bragging and putting on airs.
Narcissists
often behave this way, but narcissism is deeper and more sinister than this.
The narcissistic actually harbors a deep self-hatred and compensates by
displaying exaggerated feelings of self-importance and excessive need for
admiration.
The
narcissist would be obnoxious and frustrating but ultimately harmless, except
for two key factors: They lack empathy and they are master manipulators.
To
the narcissist, other people exist to provide narcissistic supply. In other
words, your only function in the relationship is to praise them, to prop up
their self-worth, and to never, ever criticize or question. If you fail to do
this, you’ll first be the target of narcissistic rage, being called worthless,
stupid, and unlovable. Then, you’ll be seamlessly replaced by a new target who
provides a fresh source of narcissistic supply.
The
Mayo Clinic lists these traits for narcissistic personality disorder:
·
Exaggerated sense of
self-importance
·
Sense of entitlement
and require constant, excessive admiration
·
Expect to be
recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
·
Exaggerate
achievements and talents
·
Preoccupied with
fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
·
Believe they are
superior and can only associate with equally special people
·
Monopolize conversations
and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
·
Expect special favors
and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
·
Take advantage of
others to get what they want
·
Unable or unwilling to
recognize the needs and feelings of others
·
Envious of others and
believe others envy them
·
Arrogant or haughty,
coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
·
Insist on having the
best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
Antisocial personality disorder
Like
“narcissist,” we often carelessly misuse the term “antisocial” to describe a
socially awkward person who doesn’t like to be around other people. This is
inaccurate.
Those
who suffer from antisocial personality disorder (formerly known as sociopaths)
show no regard for the rights and feelings of others. They manipulate, use, and
treat others with cold indifference and feel no remorse. At the disorder’s extreme,
we find violent criminals such as serial killers, but not all antisocials are
violent criminals. Most, however, find it hard to follow rules and conform to
expectations, thereby finding it difficult to maintain healthy relationships,
jobs, and living situations.
Because
they are unable to see other people as individuals with rights, antisocials
tend to treat others as appliances to be used and then discarded when they no
longer serve a purpose. Violent criminals do this quite literally, but all
antisocials use people and then cast them aside when they’ve served their
purpose.
To
explain this phenomenon, I use the example of a toaster. You’re happy with your
toaster. It has functioned perfectly every day for years, toasting your bread
in just the way you like without any problems. One morning, however, it fails
to work properly. What do you do? You stop by Target on the way home from work,
buy another toaster, and parade the new toaster into your kitchen right past
the old one. You then pitch the old toaster into the garbage and never give it
another thought. Why would you? The toaster is an inanimate object with no
capacity to feel hurt, an appliance for you to use to satisfy your needs until
it stopped working. This is precisely how an antisocial interacts with other
human beings.
To
the antisocial, you exist in order to meet his or her needs. The moment you
stop doing that—or the moment you complain about it or otherwise fail to do it
quietly and easily—you are replaced in the harshest and coldest manner
imaginable.
For
antisocial personality disorder, Mayo gives this list:
·
Disregard for right
and wrong
·
Persistent lying or
deceit to exploit others
·
Being callous, cynical
and disrespectful of others
·
Using charm or wit to
manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure
·
Arrogance, a sense of
superiority and being extremely opinionated
·
Recurring problems
with the law, including criminal behavior
·
Repeatedly violating
the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty
·
Impulsiveness or
failure to plan ahead
·
Hostility, significant
irritability, agitation, aggression or violence
·
Lack of empathy for
others and lack of remorse about harming others
·
Unnecessary
risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or
others
·
Poor or abusive
relationships
·
Failure to consider
the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them
·
Being consistently
irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations
Key behaviors of the PD
The
above traits manifest themselves in a variety of ways. I picked out four of the
most common. If you’re in any sort of relationship with a PD, you’ve no doubt
been on the receiving end of one or more of these behaviors:
Gaslighting
Here,
the PD attempts to manipulate you in a way that makes you doubt your own
sanity. You begin to question your perception of reality.
For
example: Your boss yells at you for failing to complete a report by the
deadline of Thursday at noon. You are sure that she originally said Friday at
noon, but she is so adamant that you begin to doubt yourself. You retrieve the
email in which she wrote “Friday at noon.” She then pivots, claiming that you
are too literal, and now you’re trying to make her look bad by gathering evidence
against her. She calls you vindictive and petty.
Boundary testing
PDs
constantly test your boundaries to see which ones they can cross. It starts
small at first and increases over time if the PD discovers that there are no
consequences to these violations.
Example:
An adult child has access to an elderly parent’s bank account. He
“accidentally” writes a check from the account to cover his cell phone bill.
The adult parent accepts this explanation and doesn’t insist on being repaid,
and before you know it, the PD has written another check, and then another… and
hundreds and then thousands of dollars are missing.
Instability
Any
relationship has ups and downs, but a healthy relationship is mostly stable and
seems to unfold at a normal rate. A relationship with a PD begins quickly and
intensely, and then mimics a roller coaster ride. At some point, the PD may
disappear entirely.
The
PD may have a poor relationship history, littered with broken friendships,
alienated family members, a spotty work history, damaged credit, lawsuits, and
bitter divorces and breakups.
This
outer instability is due to the inner instability of the PD’s inability to
control their emotions.
Abuse and control
A
relationship with a PD is always on the PD’s terms, and it can be damaging and
downright dangerous. Abuse takes many forms, including verbal, financial,
emotional, sexual, and physical. The PD does not recognize the rights and needs
of other people, so he or she belittles, devalues, shames, steals from, and
even injures other people without remorse.
Like
the other behaviors, it starts almost imperceptibly and escalates.
Am I dealing with a PD?
Again,
we’re not mental health professionals, and we’re not equipped to diagnose or
treat anyone. Instead, we’re trying to take care of ourselves by figuring out
why we feel so bad and what we might do about it.
Remember
that you can’t control or change anyone else. You can only change your own behavior,
so your focus must be on the relationship’s effect on you.
Consider
these questions:
1) Changes in tone: Have you noticed a
marked change from when the relationship began? A healthy relationship is
exciting but begins drama-free and unfolds slowly and steadily. Perhaps you
were put on a pedestal at first, but now feel that you have to prove yourself.
You may feel insecure, particularly if you’re experiencing a “push-pull”
dynamic.
2) Self-esteem: While self-esteem is an
inside job, healthy relationships tend to support our self-esteem because we
are loved and respected (despite our flaws) by those who we love and respect
(despite their flaws). When you’re involved with a PD, you may feel ashamed
because you are accepting treatment that you know is unacceptable or because
you find yourself giving insincere compliments and affirmation.
3) Interactions: What are your
conversations like with this person? Are they relatively calm and satisfying,
or must you constantly defend yourself? Perhaps you walk away shaking your head
and doubting yourself every time.
4) Invalidation: When you express
concerns, are you heard or are your feelings invalidated? Your feelings should
be acknowledged, even if the other person disagrees with you. Don’t accept: “You’re
too sensitive… you’re so jealous… you’re too suspicious… you’re so negative….”
5) Cooperation: Is there a give-and-take,
or is everything on the other person’s terms? Can you ask for things, request
feedback, discuss problems? Are your texts, emails, and phone calls returned
with reasonable promptness as you return those sent to you?
6) Abuse: Has the other person yelled at
you, belittled you, disrespected you, taken money from you, cheated on you,
talked about you behind your back, lied to you, stolen your ideas at work, manipulated
you, or abused you in any other way?
7) Community: What do your friends and
family think of this person? This is key: If you are completely honest and
forthcoming about every aspect of this relationship, do the people who love you
and have your best interests at heart believe that you should stay in this job,
friendship, or relationship? CAN you be completely honest and forthcoming with
others about the relationship?
8) Health: Listen to your body. Have you
developed depression, anxiety, skin rashes, sleep disturbances including
nightmares, stomach problems, fatigue, etc.? Are you taking care of yourself,
or have you stopped exercising or eating healthy? When I ignore my heart and
brain, the rest of my body starts complaining loudly. This could be indicative
of any bad relationship or another problem, but it’s worth noting.
9) Your emotions: After you interact with
this person, do you feel frustrated, angry, anxious, embarrassed, hopeless,
sad? A healthy relationship makes you feel at ease, appreciated, optimistic,
and happy.
10) Obsession: Do you find yourself
thinking of this person constantly, trying to figure out why he said this or
why she failed to do that? Do you talk about the other person constantly to
other people? PDs are often the object of everyone’s fascination because their
behavior is so outrageous. Perhaps the person is constantly receiving gifts,
invitations, accolades, or help from people with whom they’ve got no real
relationship.
In
part, the obsession comes from the same place as addiction through a process
known as traumatic bonding. In lab studies, rats who were offered treats as a
reward every time they hit a lever with their paw accepted the treats but were
unimpressed. Rats who never got a reward, of course, lost interest immediately.
Rats who were given a reward intermittently—sometimes, they’d hit the lever and
get a treat and sometimes not, but it was unpredictable—became obsessed with
the lever and whacked it fervently.
It’s
the same with you and PDs. They are manipulative and unpredictable, giving you
rewards sometimes and cold indifference or even abuse at other times. This
operates on the same centers of the brain as drug addiction, so it’s natural
that we become obsessed. As the neuroscientists say, the quintessential dopamine
trigger is “maybe.”
Consider
each one of these points carefully. Then, you’ll have your answer.
How to deal with PDs in
personal relationships
Unfortunately,
it’s nearly impossible for mental health professionals to treat someone with a
Cluster B personality disorder. Some change is possible, but sweeping changes
are rare. In other words, if you choose to stay in a relationship with a PD,
you will need to employ certain tactics to manage the relationship. Remember
that you will be managing your own feelings, reactions, and expectations but
will not be changing the PD.
Your
choice of tactics depends both on the nature of your relationship with the PD
and on the severity of the problem. It’s a spectrum.
The Zen approach
This
gentle approach may be enough to solve the problem. Try to be mindful so you
can remain detached: “Oh, that’s interesting. Look what he’s saying to me now.
It makes sense that he’s angry at me, because I disagreed with him.” Remember
that it’s not personal. Resist the temptation to fight back.
Set clear boundaries
PDs
constantly test boundaries, so it’s important to have clearly defined
boundaries and to enforce them. When setting boundaries, it’s important to
communicate them clearly, to plan how you’ll respond when they’re tested, and
to be consistent in enforcing them.
Example:
It’s not helpful to say, “Don’t yell at me!” When you think about it, this
isn’t a boundary at all and is an attempt to change the PD’s behavior. Instead,
try: “When you yell at me, I feel threatened and can’t process what you’re
saying. If you yell at me, I’ll walk away until you can speak to me in a
reasonable manner.” Then, do it.
Detach
Limit
your interactions with the PD. You might decide to visit your parents only on
major holidays and call to check on them once a month. Another way to detach:
Stop sharing your personal life with the PD, as this gives them ammo to create
drama and to hurt you. Refuse to participate in the PD’s chaos. Conflict
requires two sides, and if you calmly refuse to take the bait, you’re not
involved.
You
are 50 percent of every relationship. No matter what the PD does, you choose
how and if to respond. Remember the three Cs: I didn’t cause this behavior, I
can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.
No-contact rule
Here,
you cut off all forms of contact with the person, cutting them dead. You
declare relationship death.
If
the PD is merely an acquaintance, a distant cousin, or someone you’ve been
dating for a few weeks, no-contact is a sound choice. It doesn’t make sense to
work on a relationship that barely exists anyway, and life is too short.
But
no-contact is appropriate for closer relationships, too. If the PD is abusing you,
stealing from you, or otherwise destroying your life, you may need to practice
no-contact even if it’s your own mother.
This
method is simple, but it’s not easy. It’s painful to give up on someone, and
even if the person is abusive, you may miss them terribly. Still, if your
well-being and peace of mind are at stake, this is a sacrifice you may be
forced to make.
When
you choose no-contact, you will likely need support. Seek therapy, surround
yourself with close friends, and visit a supportive online forum. Start with
the excellent Internet forum Out of the FOG. Here, you can share your
experiences and learn from others, and there are numerous helpful tools and
resources: https://outofthefog.website/
It’s
crucial to practice self-care and get support in order to heal.
How to deal with PDs at work
Personal
relationships with PDs are difficult enough, but when the PD is a boss, client,
or co-worker, it adds an extra layer of stress and requires finesse because our
livelihood is at stake.
Presumably,
the no-contact rule isn’t an option here, so choose other tactics to protect
yourself if the situation is untenable but you can’t change jobs.
First,
consider whether Human Resources can help. If you can talk to an HR
representative confidentially, do so. Many companies have mediation and other
resources to help resolve conflict. At the very least, you want to start documenting
your efforts.
Second,
and speaking of documentation, be sure to document everything. Communicate in
writing (email), and archive the emails. Don’t just save things on your work
computer or hard drive, because those will not be available to you if you get
fired or otherwise have to leave your job suddenly. Avoid being alone with the
PD. You may need witnesses.
Even
when you have an interaction in person, document your impressions through a
process that lawyers call memorializing. If you have an in-person conversation,
immediately follow up with an email. “As we just discussed in the hallway, we
agreed that I would take off Friday, March 29, 2019, to be with my mother
during her surgery.” For idea-stealers, try: “At today’s lunchtime meeting, I
suggested that we start emailing the TPS reports and stop mailing them. This
will save $x in mailing costs while getting the reports to our clients faster.”
When emails are not appropriate, keep a journal.
Third,
become a “gray rock” and keep things at a “medium chill.” This is a method of
detachment that allows you to fly under the radar. A grey rock becomes flat and
uninteresting, which is the opposite of the dynamic, successful, and
interesting person that attracts the PD. When you operate at medium chill, you
refuse to take the bait, to get involved in the PD’s drama. Do not give
personal information or share opinions with this person. In particular, do not
share workplace gossip or offer opinions about a co-worker. This is good
practice anyway, so it’s an opportunity to clean up your behavior at work. When
the PD asks you an intrusive question, respond with noncommittal answers such
as: “It’s simply my preference” or “Let me think about that.” If the PD tries
to draw you into office intrigue, respond with “It’s none of my business” or
“That’s too bad” or “You should probably take it up with her directly.”
Fourth,
remember the Zen approach. You can remain mindful and detached and choose how
you react to provocation. Again, try the out-of-body approach: “Huh. That’s
interesting. She’s making a joke about my divorce in this meeting with our
boss. I wonder if she’s acting out because I just made a well-received
suggestion. I can feel that she just pushed my buttons, because I think I’m
embarrassed about my divorce. I’ll choose not to respond, because I want to
maintain my professional demeanor and keep the focus on my work.”
Finally,
know your legal rights. If you believe that HR won’t be supportive, talk to an
employment lawyer. Review the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s
information here: https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/practices/
Forgive yourself
It’s
easy for anyone to be the target of a PD. We’re lured by the validation and
promise of professional success, love, and acceptance. We tend to beat
ourselves up for not being able to get out. Once we’re out, we beat ourselves
up for failing to get out sooner.
Sometimes,
we feel guilty for acting in our own self-interest. Feelings of guilt are
normal, but as a friend of mine says: “I leave the metaphysics and philosophy to
those well-equipped for such matters. I suspect this: If we consistently behave
in ways that protect us from those who cause us pain, we will be happier and
healthier. Moral culpability is important, but I stand by my practical
position: If a car is careening towards me on the sidewalk, it doesn’t matter
whether the driver is a terrorist or an elderly man suffering a heart attack. I
must take action to protect myself.”
The very
things that make you good—kindness, compassion, a strong work ethic, family
values, and the desire to love and be loved—unfortunately make you a target for
unhealthy people. When you feel discouraged, remember that you are learning.
You are training yourself to spot this behavior in the future and to deal with
it successfully.
Take
care of yourself.
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