Good news: How to avoid all legal trouble

I often say that there’s no such thing as a legal problem. What I mean is: Legal problems don’t start out as legal problems. They begin as PERSONAL problems, born from mistakes we make due to desperation or poor judgement. Then, as time passes and denial sets in, these personal problems BECOME legal problems.

Once you’re in legal trouble, it’s too late to avoid pain and expense. You’re stuck with damage control.

There’s a better way. Start early, be proactive, and prevent the problems in the first place.

How? Learn to identify common trouble areas—including your own psychological blind spots—and nip the resulting problems in the bud.

As lawyers, just when we think we’ve seen it all, here comes a client with a brand-new, thorny legal question. But even these complicated and downright bizarre legal cases spring from the same handful of sources.

It’s helpful, then, to identify these trouble spots and to consider your role in making them—and in making them worse.

To identify the most common sources of legal problems, I asked my friends and colleagues for suggestions, and I also thought carefully about my own practice and personal observations.

Fall in love with reality.

I’m putting this one first, because if you commit to this one concept, you’ll avoid almost every difficulty in life.

Stop acting impulsively. Learn to see situations as they are and learn to accept people for who they are.

A few suggestions:

1. Accept your flaws and learn to work around them.

We’ve all got an Achilles heel. Perhaps you’ve got a history of poor money management, or you choose unsuitable romantic partners.

Be honest with yourself, forgive yourself—and develop strategies to avert disaster.

For example, if you have trouble saying no to people who ask you to loan them money, put the bulk of your money in a place where you must wait a few days and fill out paperwork to access it. This will buy you some time to work up the courage to say no.

2. Surround yourself with wise counsel—and trust it.

It can be hard to analyze a situation when you’re too close to it and your emotions prevent you from seeing the truth. That’s why you need smart, caring people to help you process things.

These people have got your best interests at heart and love you enough to tell you the truth in a manner that you can hear it. Warning: Many of your friends and family members don’t fit the bill. For example, parents may give advice based on an overabundance of caution or the desire to keep you close to them. Frenemies can be motivated by jealousy. Advice isn’t accurate unless its motivations are pure.

Professionals such as therapists, lawyers, and accountants are invaluable. Mentors—whether personal or professional—can help, too.

3. If it doesn’t make you happy, stop doing it.

For the most part, you’re not required to work at a certain job, be in a relationship with certain people, or participate in certain activities—including fundraisers.

If you feel anxious, depressed, or physically ill when you think about certain people or activities, that’s all you need to know.

Stay away from people who are not good for you. If you have displayed poor relationship judgment in the past, work hard to identify and transform your relationship behaviors with a good therapist.

When you choose the person, you choose his or her financial habits, family, and psychology.

If you’re attracted to troubled people, get help to break the pattern of codependency.

Stop overthinking things and learn to say no.

4. Accept and manage your addictions.

Addiction is often defined as “inability to stop using despite serious consequences.”

That covers it.

Drinking and drugs make everything more dangerous. Criminal lawyers stay busy by defending DUIs and assault charges, with the occasional embezzlement offense committed by those with gambling or shopping addictions. Family law attorneys witness the breakup of families due to drugs, alcohol, extramarital sex, pornography, and other addictions.

If you can’t stop, get help. If you’ve got good health insurance through your job, you may be able to afford rehab. If you’re a member of a professional organization, these often offer counseling. At the very least, go to a 12-step meeting and get a sponsor.

Lawyers often remark that we meet people with uncontrolled addictions in one of three places: the hospital, jail, or the morgue. Ask for help, and accept help.

Determine your relationships.

Your money, your home, and everything you’ve accomplished should be sacred to you. We’re grown-ups now, so we take responsibility for our own happiness and well-being, and we don’t try to take responsibility for the happiness and well-being of others.

1. Avoid undefined relationships.

Society recognizes a few types of relationships: friends, colleagues, spouses, family members. There are many good reasons for these distinctions.

Don’t let someone move into your home and gain access to your income and bank accounts unless they’re committed to you legally.

Likewise, don’t give up your independence to move in with someone else outside the bounds of a legally recognized relationship, such as marriage. Your name should be on your own car, on the lease or mortgage where you live, and on any bank accounts that support you.

If you are not able to commit to a person (or he or she to you) and declare the nature of your relationship to the world, it’s a bad sign.

For example, friends don’t have sex with each other or support each other financially in the hopes that the relationship will turn into another type of relationship.

2. In business, keep good company.

If you plan to go into business with someone, perform a background check even if it’s a close friend or family member. It’s often a bad idea to go into business with friends or family, but not always. Just be very careful.

Form an official type of business organization (such as an LLC) with the secretary of state in your state. Get a business license and a tax ID number (TIN). Write a business plan and put everything in writing (particularly if you’re going into business with others). If you don’t want to do all of this, or if your business partners balk at these formalities, do not start the business.

Avoid get-rich-quick schemes and other scams. Never get into a Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) scheme such as Amway. You will lose money, and often your behavior will be illegal even if the company is technically legitimate. (Read my blog post on why MLMs should always be avoided.)

3. Embrace background checks and reality checks.

We often know that someone or something is a bad idea, but sometimes we ignore red flags and commit anyway. Learn to rely on your wise counsel for reality checks, and do your own due diligence. Professional background checks may be necessary if you’re considering a high-stakes business or personal relationship, but often you can do your own research. (Read my blog post on how to perform your own background checks.)

Most importantly, listen to your own thoughts. If you find yourself trying to talk yourself into something while keeping the details from your close friends and family members, you’ve got your answer.

Honor love, sex, marriage, and children.

Family law is rough. It’s painful to watch people make the same mistakes their parents and grandparents made, and it’s downright agonizing to watch their children suffer because of it.

Most of this pain is avoidable.

1. Be careful about marriage.

I’ve just advised you to avoid undefined relationships, but you should also avoid this precisely defined one, too, unless you’re sure it’s right.

This is the most important decision you’ll ever make, so it’s surprising that many of us don’t put much thought and research into it.

Whenever I meet with a married person who is at war with his or her spouse, I often ask: “Why did you decide to get married?” The answer always surprises me. It’s always a variation of “it just seemed like the thing to do at the time” followed by “I had doubts” or even “I knew it was a mistake.”

They never say: “I really loved, respected, and admired him/her, and we shared the same values and goals. After much careful consideration and with the support and encouragement of our families, friends, church, community, etc., we decided to commit to each other for life and build a family together.”

That’s what the answer SHOULD be, though, every time.

Again, when you choose the person, you choose everything about him or her. Your spouse’s addictions, habits, financial problems, sexual history and preferences, children, and reputation become yours. When you MARRY the person, you enter into a binding contract to make those things your own until you die.

It pays, then, to attend premarital counseling or classes. If you belong to a church, your pastor can guide you quite a bit, but go to multiple counseling sessions. Choose a mentor couple or two. Spend time with these long-married folks and let them help you ask the right questions. Be brutally honest with your prospective spouse about your expectations for the marriage and for your life, and listen carefully to his or hers.

Many people should not get married at all—at least not until certain practical and psychological issues have been resolved. For example, an addict should have years of successful recovery under his or her belt before entering a serious relationship. Financial problems must be cleaned up—or well on their way to being cleaned up with a solid plan in place. Nobody should have a recent criminal record. Both partners should have a job and the ability to keep a job. Children from previous relationships should be cared for, and that includes child support, visitation, and a healthy relationship between both parents. Cheaters should remain single until and unless they have changed. Abusers (verbal, physical, financial, emotional, sexual) are out of the question.

2. Use birth control.

Don’t have children with anyone other than a stable person to whom you are married OR without a reasonable alternative in place (one example: You’re a single parent who has been approved to adopt a child after careful consideration by all parties involved). If you’re married, wait a few years before you have children.

Child custody cases are the saddest, and many of these disputes can be prevented by avoiding unplanned pregnancies.

Don’t rely on single-use birth control methods such as condoms. (Use condoms to prevent STIs, but not for your primary method of birth control.) Instead, women should choose the pill, an IUD, or an implant. Men should not rely on women to use birth control and should instead consider a reversible vasectomy. (This sounds harsh, but you’d be surprised how often lawyers hear, “She said she was on the pill.”)

Men are often shocked to hear that they can be held financially and legally responsible for 18 years for a child that they created through a one-night stand with a woman they don’t know and frankly can’t remember. Women are often shocked by how hard it is to get these men to step up.

It’s very damaging for children to have an absent parent. Do everything you can to avoid becoming one of these parents.

Invest in a good will.

Everyone needs a will. Even if you don’t own a lot of property, you should name an administrator to manage your affairs when you die. If you’ve got minor children, you need to name a guardian. If you own a business, you’ll want to direct how your business is to be sold or transferred.

While you’re at it, draft an advance directive, a document that instructs health care providers on how to care for you should you become incapacitated and unable to communicate your wishes. (A living will is a type of advance directive.) In this document, you’ll appoint a trusted close friend or family member to be your health care proxy, and you’ll give this person durable power of attorney to make health care decisions for you if you are incapacitated. You’ll also describe which end-of-life measures you want and don’t want (hydration, a feeding tube, resuscitation) and under what circumstances. This is a good place to declare yourself an organ and tissue donor, even if you’ve already done that on your driver’s license.

As a separate matter, keep the beneficiary on your life insurance policy up to date. You want your life insurance to pay your current dependents—not your ex-spouse from 30 years ago.

Do not include your funeral plans in your will. That’s not really binding anyway, and your family may not read your will until your funeral is over. Talk about these end-of-life and funeral decisions with your loved ones now.

As you’re drafting your own end-of-life documents, insist that your spouse and your parents draft theirs, too. This will save you a tremendous amount of hassle and ill will while you are grieving.

Can you do it yourself? No. Spend the money and get these documents drafted by a lawyer who drafts wills as a large part of his or her practice. I’m a lawyer, so of course I think you should avoid the do-it-yourself route. Still, my colleagues and I often pass around poorly written wills as a teaching tool, and these horrible wills are rarely drafted by a lawyer. Do not skimp on the important things in life.

You and your spouse will use the same lawyer and have your documents drafted together, probably. You should encourage your parents to use a lawyer, too, but you should avoid getting closely involved with this process. You should have conversations with your parents about their wishes, but you don’t want to be accused of trying to influence their decisions. A good lawyer will help you avoid this.

Take care of business.

I have spent thousands of hours (and charged thousands of dollars) to help clients unravel various small matters that grew into leviathans due to neglect and avoidance—or the mistaken belief that they could somehow beat the system.

1. Honor your obligations and contracts.

This is ten thousand tips folded into one.

File your income taxes. PAY your income taxes. Many people believe that taxes are unconstitutional and can be avoided. These people are known as “lienees” at best and federal prison inmates at worst. I promise you: The IRS has got this one sewn up.

Maintain a valid driver’s license, tag and registration, and at least the minimum auto insurance that your state requires. One-third of passenger vehicles on the road today are uninsured, so it pays to get uninsured motorist insurance, too.

Check your mail at least twice a week, and keep your address updated with everyone with whom you do business.

2. Never ignore official documents.

If you are served with court papers (including by mail), do not ignore these papers. If it’s a summons or similar document, follow the directions on the document and appear in court. If it’s a restraining order, use restraint.

If you ignore court papers, you may be arrested for failure to appear (a “bench warrant”), and if you’re being sued, the court will enter a default judgment against you.

Many people avoid stressful situations because they suffer from severe avoidance issues. If that’s you, ask a trusted friend or family member to help you hire a lawyer.

3. Live within your means.

All debt is bad debt.

You heard me. You should strive to be debt-free.

Now, some debts are much worse than others, and one or two types of debt are not ideal but may be unavoidable.

Mortgage debt is acceptable if you’re making a smart purchase on a house in a favorable housing market AND you plan to live in the house for five years or more.

Student loan debt is rarely a good idea, but it can be. In my case, I borrowed money for law school, but my salary at my first lawyer job was exactly twice what I was making when I quit my job to start law school. I borrowed a small amount and paid it off by working extra jobs. This is the somewhat rare example of sensible student loan debt—it pays for itself rather quickly, and you can pay it off in a handful of years. Otherwise, avoid student loans.

Car loans aren’t the best use of debt, but if that’s the only way to get to your job, you may have to borrow a modest amount. Buy a good, basic used car, borrow a few thousand dollars at a low interest rate, and pay it off quickly.

If you take out these types of loans, pay your payments on time and work hard to pay the debts off early. Be sure you’re buying only as much house, school, and car as you need and no more. Do not borrow money for flashy cars and McMansions.

All other debt is bad and should be avoided. Credit card debt is the devil and is very hard to pay off. (Plus, you’ve used it to buy things you couldn’t afford.) Even worse are payday loans, title loans, tote-the-note used car lots, and rent-to-own stores. Never do business with these places. Take public transportation, sit on the floor, and read library books.

4. Obey the law.

When a law is unjust and you’ve tried unsuccessfully to change it using legal methods, you may decide to commit acts of civil disobedience. I’ve done this more than once in my life, and I don’t condemn lawbreaking in every one of these cases. Still, if you decide to do this, think about it carefully, consider how it may affect your loved ones, and understand and accept the consequences.

In all other situations, you should obey the law. Lawbreaking is stressful and costly in every way. Every lawyer has observed countless clients suffering under the principle “he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword.” People rarely get away with lawlessness, and even if they do, it’s a miserable existence. An honorable life is the only life worth living.

A close friend of mine often proclaims: “I get my kicks on the straight and narrow!” I love that. I try to live that.