Good news: How to avoid all legal trouble

I often say that there’s no such thing as a legal problem. What I mean is: Legal problems don’t start out as legal problems. They begin as PERSONAL problems, born from mistakes we make due to desperation or poor judgement. Then, as time passes and denial sets in, these personal problems BECOME legal problems.

Once you’re in legal trouble, it’s too late to avoid pain and expense. You’re stuck with damage control.

There’s a better way. Start early, be proactive, and prevent the problems in the first place.

How? Learn to identify common trouble areas—including your own psychological blind spots—and nip the resulting problems in the bud.

As lawyers, just when we think we’ve seen it all, here comes a client with a brand-new, thorny legal question. But even these complicated and downright bizarre legal cases spring from the same handful of sources.

It’s helpful, then, to identify these trouble spots and to consider your role in making them—and in making them worse.

To identify the most common sources of legal problems, I asked my friends and colleagues for suggestions, and I also thought carefully about my own practice and personal observations.

Fall in love with reality.

I’m putting this one first, because if you commit to this one concept, you’ll avoid almost every difficulty in life.

Stop acting impulsively. Learn to see situations as they are and learn to accept people for who they are.

A few suggestions:

1. Accept your flaws and learn to work around them.

We’ve all got an Achilles heel. Perhaps you’ve got a history of poor money management, or you choose unsuitable romantic partners.

Be honest with yourself, forgive yourself—and develop strategies to avert disaster.

For example, if you have trouble saying no to people who ask you to loan them money, put the bulk of your money in a place where you must wait a few days and fill out paperwork to access it. This will buy you some time to work up the courage to say no.

2. Surround yourself with wise counsel—and trust it.

It can be hard to analyze a situation when you’re too close to it and your emotions prevent you from seeing the truth. That’s why you need smart, caring people to help you process things.

These people have got your best interests at heart and love you enough to tell you the truth in a manner that you can hear it. Warning: Many of your friends and family members don’t fit the bill. For example, parents may give advice based on an overabundance of caution or the desire to keep you close to them. Frenemies can be motivated by jealousy. Advice isn’t accurate unless its motivations are pure.

Professionals such as therapists, lawyers, and accountants are invaluable. Mentors—whether personal or professional—can help, too.

3. If it doesn’t make you happy, stop doing it.

For the most part, you’re not required to work at a certain job, be in a relationship with certain people, or participate in certain activities—including fundraisers.

If you feel anxious, depressed, or physically ill when you think about certain people or activities, that’s all you need to know.

Stay away from people who are not good for you. If you have displayed poor relationship judgment in the past, work hard to identify and transform your relationship behaviors with a good therapist.

When you choose the person, you choose his or her financial habits, family, and psychology.

If you’re attracted to troubled people, get help to break the pattern of codependency.

Stop overthinking things and learn to say no.

4. Accept and manage your addictions.

Addiction is often defined as “inability to stop using despite serious consequences.”

That covers it.

Drinking and drugs make everything more dangerous. Criminal lawyers stay busy by defending DUIs and assault charges, with the occasional embezzlement offense committed by those with gambling or shopping addictions. Family law attorneys witness the breakup of families due to drugs, alcohol, extramarital sex, pornography, and other addictions.

If you can’t stop, get help. If you’ve got good health insurance through your job, you may be able to afford rehab. If you’re a member of a professional organization, these often offer counseling. At the very least, go to a 12-step meeting and get a sponsor.

Lawyers often remark that we meet people with uncontrolled addictions in one of three places: the hospital, jail, or the morgue. Ask for help, and accept help.

Determine your relationships.

Your money, your home, and everything you’ve accomplished should be sacred to you. We’re grown-ups now, so we take responsibility for our own happiness and well-being, and we don’t try to take responsibility for the happiness and well-being of others.

1. Avoid undefined relationships.

Society recognizes a few types of relationships: friends, colleagues, spouses, family members. There are many good reasons for these distinctions.

Don’t let someone move into your home and gain access to your income and bank accounts unless they’re committed to you legally.

Likewise, don’t give up your independence to move in with someone else outside the bounds of a legally recognized relationship, such as marriage. Your name should be on your own car, on the lease or mortgage where you live, and on any bank accounts that support you.

If you are not able to commit to a person (or he or she to you) and declare the nature of your relationship to the world, it’s a bad sign.

For example, friends don’t have sex with each other or support each other financially in the hopes that the relationship will turn into another type of relationship.

2. In business, keep good company.

If you plan to go into business with someone, perform a background check even if it’s a close friend or family member. It’s often a bad idea to go into business with friends or family, but not always. Just be very careful.

Form an official type of business organization (such as an LLC) with the secretary of state in your state. Get a business license and a tax ID number (TIN). Write a business plan and put everything in writing (particularly if you’re going into business with others). If you don’t want to do all of this, or if your business partners balk at these formalities, do not start the business.

Avoid get-rich-quick schemes and other scams. Never get into a Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) scheme such as Amway. You will lose money, and often your behavior will be illegal even if the company is technically legitimate. (Read my blog post on why MLMs should always be avoided.)

3. Embrace background checks and reality checks.

We often know that someone or something is a bad idea, but sometimes we ignore red flags and commit anyway. Learn to rely on your wise counsel for reality checks, and do your own due diligence. Professional background checks may be necessary if you’re considering a high-stakes business or personal relationship, but often you can do your own research. (Read my blog post on how to perform your own background checks.)

Most importantly, listen to your own thoughts. If you find yourself trying to talk yourself into something while keeping the details from your close friends and family members, you’ve got your answer.

Honor love, sex, marriage, and children.

Family law is rough. It’s painful to watch people make the same mistakes their parents and grandparents made, and it’s downright agonizing to watch their children suffer because of it.

Most of this pain is avoidable.

1. Be careful about marriage.

I’ve just advised you to avoid undefined relationships, but you should also avoid this precisely defined one, too, unless you’re sure it’s right.

This is the most important decision you’ll ever make, so it’s surprising that many of us don’t put much thought and research into it.

Whenever I meet with a married person who is at war with his or her spouse, I often ask: “Why did you decide to get married?” The answer always surprises me. It’s always a variation of “it just seemed like the thing to do at the time” followed by “I had doubts” or even “I knew it was a mistake.”

They never say: “I really loved, respected, and admired him/her, and we shared the same values and goals. After much careful consideration and with the support and encouragement of our families, friends, church, community, etc., we decided to commit to each other for life and build a family together.”

That’s what the answer SHOULD be, though, every time.

Again, when you choose the person, you choose everything about him or her. Your spouse’s addictions, habits, financial problems, sexual history and preferences, children, and reputation become yours. When you MARRY the person, you enter into a binding contract to make those things your own until you die.

It pays, then, to attend premarital counseling or classes. If you belong to a church, your pastor can guide you quite a bit, but go to multiple counseling sessions. Choose a mentor couple or two. Spend time with these long-married folks and let them help you ask the right questions. Be brutally honest with your prospective spouse about your expectations for the marriage and for your life, and listen carefully to his or hers.

Many people should not get married at all—at least not until certain practical and psychological issues have been resolved. For example, an addict should have years of successful recovery under his or her belt before entering a serious relationship. Financial problems must be cleaned up—or well on their way to being cleaned up with a solid plan in place. Nobody should have a recent criminal record. Both partners should have a job and the ability to keep a job. Children from previous relationships should be cared for, and that includes child support, visitation, and a healthy relationship between both parents. Cheaters should remain single until and unless they have changed. Abusers (verbal, physical, financial, emotional, sexual) are out of the question.

2. Use birth control.

Don’t have children with anyone other than a stable person to whom you are married OR without a reasonable alternative in place (one example: You’re a single parent who has been approved to adopt a child after careful consideration by all parties involved). If you’re married, wait a few years before you have children.

Child custody cases are the saddest, and many of these disputes can be prevented by avoiding unplanned pregnancies.

Don’t rely on single-use birth control methods such as condoms. (Use condoms to prevent STIs, but not for your primary method of birth control.) Instead, women should choose the pill, an IUD, or an implant. Men should not rely on women to use birth control and should instead consider a reversible vasectomy. (This sounds harsh, but you’d be surprised how often lawyers hear, “She said she was on the pill.”)

Men are often shocked to hear that they can be held financially and legally responsible for 18 years for a child that they created through a one-night stand with a woman they don’t know and frankly can’t remember. Women are often shocked by how hard it is to get these men to step up.

It’s very damaging for children to have an absent parent. Do everything you can to avoid becoming one of these parents.

Invest in a good will.

Everyone needs a will. Even if you don’t own a lot of property, you should name an administrator to manage your affairs when you die. If you’ve got minor children, you need to name a guardian. If you own a business, you’ll want to direct how your business is to be sold or transferred.

While you’re at it, draft an advance directive, a document that instructs health care providers on how to care for you should you become incapacitated and unable to communicate your wishes. (A living will is a type of advance directive.) In this document, you’ll appoint a trusted close friend or family member to be your health care proxy, and you’ll give this person durable power of attorney to make health care decisions for you if you are incapacitated. You’ll also describe which end-of-life measures you want and don’t want (hydration, a feeding tube, resuscitation) and under what circumstances. This is a good place to declare yourself an organ and tissue donor, even if you’ve already done that on your driver’s license.

As a separate matter, keep the beneficiary on your life insurance policy up to date. You want your life insurance to pay your current dependents—not your ex-spouse from 30 years ago.

Do not include your funeral plans in your will. That’s not really binding anyway, and your family may not read your will until your funeral is over. Talk about these end-of-life and funeral decisions with your loved ones now.

As you’re drafting your own end-of-life documents, insist that your spouse and your parents draft theirs, too. This will save you a tremendous amount of hassle and ill will while you are grieving.

Can you do it yourself? No. Spend the money and get these documents drafted by a lawyer who drafts wills as a large part of his or her practice. I’m a lawyer, so of course I think you should avoid the do-it-yourself route. Still, my colleagues and I often pass around poorly written wills as a teaching tool, and these horrible wills are rarely drafted by a lawyer. Do not skimp on the important things in life.

You and your spouse will use the same lawyer and have your documents drafted together, probably. You should encourage your parents to use a lawyer, too, but you should avoid getting closely involved with this process. You should have conversations with your parents about their wishes, but you don’t want to be accused of trying to influence their decisions. A good lawyer will help you avoid this.

Take care of business.

I have spent thousands of hours (and charged thousands of dollars) to help clients unravel various small matters that grew into leviathans due to neglect and avoidance—or the mistaken belief that they could somehow beat the system.

1. Honor your obligations and contracts.

This is ten thousand tips folded into one.

File your income taxes. PAY your income taxes. Many people believe that taxes are unconstitutional and can be avoided. These people are known as “lienees” at best and federal prison inmates at worst. I promise you: The IRS has got this one sewn up.

Maintain a valid driver’s license, tag and registration, and at least the minimum auto insurance that your state requires. One-third of passenger vehicles on the road today are uninsured, so it pays to get uninsured motorist insurance, too.

Check your mail at least twice a week, and keep your address updated with everyone with whom you do business.

2. Never ignore official documents.

If you are served with court papers (including by mail), do not ignore these papers. If it’s a summons or similar document, follow the directions on the document and appear in court. If it’s a restraining order, use restraint.

If you ignore court papers, you may be arrested for failure to appear (a “bench warrant”), and if you’re being sued, the court will enter a default judgment against you.

Many people avoid stressful situations because they suffer from severe avoidance issues. If that’s you, ask a trusted friend or family member to help you hire a lawyer.

3. Live within your means.

All debt is bad debt.

You heard me. You should strive to be debt-free.

Now, some debts are much worse than others, and one or two types of debt are not ideal but may be unavoidable.

Mortgage debt is acceptable if you’re making a smart purchase on a house in a favorable housing market AND you plan to live in the house for five years or more.

Student loan debt is rarely a good idea, but it can be. In my case, I borrowed money for law school, but my salary at my first lawyer job was exactly twice what I was making when I quit my job to start law school. I borrowed a small amount and paid it off by working extra jobs. This is the somewhat rare example of sensible student loan debt—it pays for itself rather quickly, and you can pay it off in a handful of years. Otherwise, avoid student loans.

Car loans aren’t the best use of debt, but if that’s the only way to get to your job, you may have to borrow a modest amount. Buy a good, basic used car, borrow a few thousand dollars at a low interest rate, and pay it off quickly.

If you take out these types of loans, pay your payments on time and work hard to pay the debts off early. Be sure you’re buying only as much house, school, and car as you need and no more. Do not borrow money for flashy cars and McMansions.

All other debt is bad and should be avoided. Credit card debt is the devil and is very hard to pay off. (Plus, you’ve used it to buy things you couldn’t afford.) Even worse are payday loans, title loans, tote-the-note used car lots, and rent-to-own stores. Never do business with these places. Take public transportation, sit on the floor, and read library books.

4. Obey the law.

When a law is unjust and you’ve tried unsuccessfully to change it using legal methods, you may decide to commit acts of civil disobedience. I’ve done this more than once in my life, and I don’t condemn lawbreaking in every one of these cases. Still, if you decide to do this, think about it carefully, consider how it may affect your loved ones, and understand and accept the consequences.

In all other situations, you should obey the law. Lawbreaking is stressful and costly in every way. Every lawyer has observed countless clients suffering under the principle “he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword.” People rarely get away with lawlessness, and even if they do, it’s a miserable existence. An honorable life is the only life worth living.

A close friend of mine often proclaims: “I get my kicks on the straight and narrow!” I love that. I try to live that.

It's time to draft your will

Everyone needs a will

A will is a legal document that sets forth your wishes regarding the distribution of your property and the care of your minor children in the event of your death.

If you’ve got minor children, a will dictates who will become their guardian. If you own a business, a will allows for the smooth transition of the control or sale of your business. If you’ve got any assets at all, a will handles their distribution. Without a will, a court will make these decisions for you.

But even if you don’t have property, children, or a business, a will appoints a person (formerly called an “executor” but now more often called an “administrator”) to manage your estate. This person makes sure your wishes are carried out, which prevents confusion and chaos that can cause your survivors additional pain.

Can I do it myself?

I am a lawyer, so of course I’m going to say that in most cases, you should get a lawyer to draft this important document and to help you make key decisions. You can buy do-it-yourself kits, and some of these are better than no will at all, but each person’s situation is different. An experienced professional can advise you on your particular needs, while a will kit or online service is more generic.

Wills for your spouse and parents

It’s not enough for you to have a will. If you are an heir or a beneficiary to someone else (your spouse and parents), make sure that those people have got valid wills, too. When you’re dealing with grief and making funeral arrangements, the presence of an iron-clad will prevents additional strife from family disputes over money. Key point: To avoid claims that you influenced your parents’ decisions, do not advise them on their wills and encourage them to visit their own lawyer to have their wills drafted. If you’re married, your lawyer will draft wills for both you and your spouse, but be sure to update your will if you get divorced.

Don’t forget other end-of-life documents

While you’re drafting your will, be sure to include an advance directive, a document that instructs health care providers on how to care for you should you become incapacitated and unable to communicate your wishes. (A living will is a type of advance directive.) In this document, you’ll appoint a trusted close friend or family member to be your health care proxy, and you’ll give this person durable power of attorney to make health care decisions for you if you are incapacitated. You’ll also describe which end-of-life measures you want and don’t want (hydration, a feeding tube, resuscitation) and under what circumstances. This is a good place to declare yourself an organ and tissue donor, even if you’ve already done that on your driver’s license.

Life insurance

Make sure your life insurance is up-to-date (you’re insured for the right amount, and your beneficiary is who you currently choose). Give your heirs and beneficiaries a copy of the cover page with the name of the company and the policy number visible so they can collect on the policy in the event of your death.

Funeral instructions

Do not include this in your will or other end-of-life documents. Most family members don’t look at the deceased’s will until days or weeks later, and then it’s too late. If you have a preference about your funeral or the disposition of your body, tell your loved ones in writing now. If you’re an organ donor, tell them that, too—even if it’s in your advance directive and on your driver’s license.

Approximately two-thirds of Americans do not have wills, but wills and other documents are a key part of financial well-being. If you’ve ever been involved in a dispute due to a lack of a valid will, you already know why. Take responsibility for your end-of-life planning while you’re still able to do it comfortably.

I want my money back: How to complain effectively

We work hard for our money, so it’s especially upsetting when we carefully budget for our purchases only to find that we’re not getting what we paid for.

Often, we complain at the lowest level but then give up when the problem isn’t resolved.

There are many ways to complain and to get your money back, however, so don’t give up until you’ve tried them all.

Start at the source

First, return to the store or website and talk to a store employee (or live chat a customer service representative on the website). This will resolve most problems. Describe the problem calmly and accurately, and present all documentation. If the employee cannot help you, ask for a supervisor. Document to whom you spoke, the date, and the outcome.

Escalate

Once it becomes clear that your problem won’t be solved at the source, stop wasting your time there. Call the company’s customer service number or access it through the company’s website. Again, if the first person cannot help, ask for a supervisor. Document all conversations here, too. If phone conversations don’t help, write a letter and include copies of your documentation.

Try social media

When direct contact fails, post your complaint on the company’s social media outlets. Often, a company’s social media manger is authorized to help when other employees aren’t, because the company wants to avoid negative comments on its social media accounts.

Get outside help

First, file a complaint with the Attorney General’s office and with Commerce and Insurance. In Tennessee, the websites are: https://www.tn.gov/attorneygeneral/working-for-tennessee/file-a-consumer-complaint.html and https://www.tn.gov/commerce/consumer/file-a-complaint.html . While you’re at it, complain at the federal level as well: https://www.ftccomplaintassistant.gov/#crnt&panel1-1

Second, consider going to local media. Most local TV stations of any size have a consumer “action line,” and these can be very effective when everything else has failed.

Be careful with online purchases

When buying online, stick to established companies such as Amazon, which has a process for settling disputes. Many online sellers are based in foreign countries, and it can be hard to get your money back or to get them to answer you at all.

Put important purchases on a credit card

While it’s important to be careful with credit card spending, put expensive items on your credit card if that option is available to you. If you’re not satisfied with the purchase, you can quickly and easily dispute the charge online with your credit card company. Then, the credit card company will go to bat for you to resolve the dispute, withholding the funds from the seller until the seller proves that they treated you fairly.

You have the right to be treated fairly and to get what you paid for. Be persistent, and you’ll be successful most of the time.

Get serious about paying off credit card debt

Our taxes are done, and winter is over, so it’s time to check in with a New Year’s Resolution that many of us have made: Get out of debt.

Credit card debt is one of the most difficult types of debt to eliminate, and it’s also the most common: The average American household now carries nearly $7,000 in credit card debt, and nearly one-third of those Americans pay just the minimum payment each month.

This is a debt emergency, and it’s time to bring in the big guns. Here are some strategies to pay off credit card debt sooner:

Pay more than the minimum payment

Many personal finance sites suggest paying the minimum monthly payment plus $10 per month. I disagree. You should instead pay as much as you can, even if it means selling some personal belongings, getting a second job, or renting out a spare bedroom. Do whatever it takes.

Bankrate.com has a series of helpful calculators that will help you pay down your debt, including this one that gives a sobering look at the true cost of paying the minimum payment: https://www.bankrate.com/calculators/managing-debt/minimum-payment-calculator.aspx

Take out a different type of loan

If possible, take out a lower-interest loan and use the funds to pay off credit card debt.

Warning: This is a dangerous strategy and should be used only when you are certain that you will not charge anything else on the credit card.

Remember that credit card debt is bad debt, but at least it’s unsecured debt. In other words, you didn’t put up collateral when you took on this debt; therefore, the lender can’t foreclose on anything you own if you don’t pay the debt.

That’s not true with certain other loans. For example, if you take out a home equity loan and use the money to pay off credit card debt, you could lose your home if you don’t pay.

Negotiate a lower interest rate

Your credit card company values you as a customer and knows that you are getting low-interest offers in the mail from competing credit card companies. This gives you negotiating power, and your credit card company will often give you a lower interest rate in order to keep your business.

Call the customer service number on the back of your credit card and simply ask. Most credit card companies field these requests all day every day, so they are ready to offer you a lower interest rate.

If they say no, politely ask to speak to a supervisor, who has more power to grant your request.

A sample script: “I’ve been your customer since ____, and I’m interested in getting a lower interest rate. I’ve recently been offered a new credit card with ________ for an interest rate of ____%. Would you be willing to match that offer?”

Switch to a credit card with a lower interest rate

If your existing credit card company won’t lower your interest rate, considering transferring your balance to a new card, but be careful.

This is a risky move for two reasons: 1) Too many credit inquiries and too many open credit accounts can negatively affect your credit score, and 2) Consumers often switch to a card with a lower interest rate, only to find that the interest rate increases to 20 percent or more after six months or a year.

Read the fine print, and be sure you understand the new offer.

Negotiate a settlement

If you’re really in trouble, you can negotiate lower payments and even a lower balance with your credit card company. This will affect your credit score and may even have tax consequences, so this tip should be considered as a last resort.

For information on the various types of settlement options, this article gives a helpful overview: https://www.creditkarma.com/advice/i/negotiate-debt-credit-card-company/

No matter your level of credit card debt, make a commitment to pay it off and set yourself free.

From bad to worse: avoid these debt traps

By now, everyone has heard me say “all debt is bad debt!” Still, some types of debt are worse than other types. We tend to incur this debt when we’re desperate, and it’s very hard to pay it off.

Do whatever you can to avoid these debt traps:

Payday loans

Payday lenders offer small loans ($100 to $1,000, say, with an average term of two weeks) to get you through till payday. While the loans are small, the interest rates and fees are not! Payday lenders charge 400 percent interest and up, and they’re aggressive about collecting if you can’t pay back the loan on time. It’s better to be late on a utility bill than to fall prey to a payday loan. For more information about payday loans, visit the non-profit Payday Loan Consumer Information Center at https://paydayloaninfo.org/facts.

Rent-to-own

When your budget doesn’t allow for new furniture, electronics, or appliances, it’s tempting to succumb to those glossy rent-to-own sales papers that we get in the mail. It’s a bad deal, though. If you rent-to-own a $450 TV, you’ll make 52 weekly payments of $20 each, which means that you’ll end up paying $1,040 for the TV—that’s more than double the cash price! The truth is, most rent-to-own merchandise is a “want” and not a “need.” Instead, try buying gently used furniture and appliances on craigslist or at a second-hand store.

“Tote the Note” used car lots

These car lots sell older, cheaper used cars. That sounds great, but here’s the catch. The cars aren’t worth much, so the down payment you pay is what the car dealer paid for the entire car. That’s right: You could have bought the car yourself from the original seller if you had shopped around! These car dealers break even with your down payment, and the monthly payments you make—often at 18 to 38 percent interest—are pure profit. Here’s a better way to buy a cheap used car: https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/04/19/how-to-come-out-way-ahead-when-buying-a-used-car/

Title loans

If you already own a car, you may be tempted to take out a short term loan using your car as collateral. Try to resist the temptation, however, because these loans are expensive and can easily result in your car being repossessed. Title loan companies charge hefty “loan origination” fees that they add onto your balance, and they charge high interest rates (often 25 percent PER MONTH!). Due to the high interest and fees, it’s very hard to pay off these loans, and again, the risk of repossession is high. Get more information here: https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0514-car-title-loans

It seems like everyone is trying to get us to borrow money or to buy expensive goods, but most of these offers are too good to be true. At times like this, it pays to remember our long-term goals.

Windfall: the joy of unclaimed property

You’ve probably seen the ads that encourage you to search for unclaimed money. It sounds like a scam, but there’s some truth to this one. State governments are holding more than $40 billion nationwide for people like us. Tennessee alone holds $994 million.

I searched for unclaimed money in my own name and found none (naturally), but I did locate $450 for my mother, and $350 for one friend and a whopping $864 for another. (I’m a good friend.)

It’s free and easy to search, so why not give it a try? Here’s how:

Why would I have unclaimed money?

Each state has an agency that holds unclaimed property. When a business owes you money, it must try to return the money to you. If it cannot find you, the business must surrender the money to the state agency in charge of unclaimed property.

The most common scenario: You move but forget to close out a small bank account or fail to ask the power company to return your deposit. That money just sits there until you return to claim it.

If you’ve moved even a few times—especially if you’ve got family in the military—I urge you to check.

How to claim the money

Every state’s website has a free unclaimed property search, so search this website in every state in which you have ever lived. You can search for yourself or anyone else, but you will only be able to claim money in your own name.

In Tennessee, it’s https://treasury.tn.gov/Unclaimed-Property/Claim-Unclaimed-Property/Find-Your-Missing-Money

Once you navigate to that state’s website, you’ll do a quick name search. The results are returned immediately—usually a list of names and cities. If you’re listed there, the website gives you simple instructions to claim the money. Typically, you fill out a form and sign it (an affidavit) and mail it to the agency with documentation such as a copy of your driver’s license to verify your identity. (A few states allow you to submit the affidavit and documentation online and receive your funds by direct deposit.)

All states participate in a nationwide database, but there is a lag time for reporting to this database, so it’s best to search the nationwide website and then follow up with each state’s website to be sure. To search nationwide, go to http://www.unclaimed.org/

Once your claim is processed, the check comes in about four weeks.

Avoid scams

It’s free and simple to claim your money, so there’s no need to pay a third party to help you with this task.

Some legitimate websites, such as creditkarma.com, will help you search, but only a few states have partnered with them. It’s best to go directly to the state’s website, and of course make sure the website ends in .gov.

You probably think this post is about you: Identifying and handling narcissists and other Cluster Bs

You’ve probably known someone who suffers from a personality disorder, even if you didn’t know what to call it.

                                                                                          

When we encounter these people, we feel hurt and confused, and we struggle to understand what is happening to us. We find ourselves entangled in an unhealthy relationship that seemed to start out blissfully, and we can’t figure out how we got here.

The most vexing type of personality disorder is the Cluster B personality disorder, which includes narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, and histrionic personality disorders. While I’m not a mental health professional, I hope to describe Cluster B personality disorders and provide solutions for dealing with those who suffer from them.

I’ll focus on two types—narcissistic and antisocial—but most of this information can be used to describe and cope with any of the Cluster B personality disorders. Indeed, the disorders overlap so much that the information here applies to any or all of them.

For clarity’s sake, then, I’ll refer to the person who suffers from the personality disorder as the “PD,” not to dehumanize them but to avoid wordiness and awkwardness.

What is Cluster B?

The American Psychiatric Association publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), a catalog of mental illnesses meant to aid mental health professionals with diagnosing various mental disorders.

The DSM classifies some of these illnesses as personality disorders, or a type of mental disorder characterized by a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning, and behaving.

Cluster A is reserved for the severe, odd, eccentric behaviors: paranoid, schizoid, and schizotypal. Cluster C houses the anxious, fearful type: avoidant, dependent, passive-aggressive, and obsessive-compulsive.

Cluster B gives us the dramatic, emotional, disruptive types: antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic. These people find it impossible to regulate their emotions, which results in toxic behavior and severe relationship difficulties.

Cluster B diagnosis

When diagnosing a person with a Cluster B personality disorder, the mental health professional reviews a list of behaviors and analyzes whether the client exhibits many or most of those behaviors consistently over time. The client need not exhibit all of the traits on the list. Further, the disorders overlap, meaning that someone who suffers from one type of personality disorder will exhibit some of the traits of another type.

Narcissistic personality disorder

We throw the word “narcissist” around a lot, using it to describe someone who is egotistical. To us, the narcissist is vain and prideful, bragging and putting on airs.

Narcissists often behave this way, but narcissism is deeper and more sinister than this. The narcissistic actually harbors a deep self-hatred and compensates by displaying exaggerated feelings of self-importance and excessive need for admiration.

The narcissist would be obnoxious and frustrating but ultimately harmless, except for two key factors: They lack empathy and they are master manipulators.

To the narcissist, other people exist to provide narcissistic supply. In other words, your only function in the relationship is to praise them, to prop up their self-worth, and to never, ever criticize or question. If you fail to do this, you’ll first be the target of narcissistic rage, being called worthless, stupid, and unlovable. Then, you’ll be seamlessly replaced by a new target who provides a fresh source of narcissistic supply.

The Mayo Clinic lists these traits for narcissistic personality disorder:

·         Exaggerated sense of self-importance

·         Sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration

·         Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

·         Exaggerate achievements and talents

·         Preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate

·         Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people

·         Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior

·         Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations

·         Take advantage of others to get what they want

·         Unable or unwilling to recognize the needs and feelings of others

·         Envious of others and believe others envy them

·         Arrogant or haughty, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious

·         Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

Antisocial personality disorder

Like “narcissist,” we often carelessly misuse the term “antisocial” to describe a socially awkward person who doesn’t like to be around other people. This is inaccurate.

Those who suffer from antisocial personality disorder (formerly known as sociopaths) show no regard for the rights and feelings of others. They manipulate, use, and treat others with cold indifference and feel no remorse. At the disorder’s extreme, we find violent criminals such as serial killers, but not all antisocials are violent criminals. Most, however, find it hard to follow rules and conform to expectations, thereby finding it difficult to maintain healthy relationships, jobs, and living situations.

Because they are unable to see other people as individuals with rights, antisocials tend to treat others as appliances to be used and then discarded when they no longer serve a purpose. Violent criminals do this quite literally, but all antisocials use people and then cast them aside when they’ve served their purpose.

To explain this phenomenon, I use the example of a toaster. You’re happy with your toaster. It has functioned perfectly every day for years, toasting your bread in just the way you like without any problems. One morning, however, it fails to work properly. What do you do? You stop by Target on the way home from work, buy another toaster, and parade the new toaster into your kitchen right past the old one. You then pitch the old toaster into the garbage and never give it another thought. Why would you? The toaster is an inanimate object with no capacity to feel hurt, an appliance for you to use to satisfy your needs until it stopped working. This is precisely how an antisocial interacts with other human beings.

To the antisocial, you exist in order to meet his or her needs. The moment you stop doing that—or the moment you complain about it or otherwise fail to do it quietly and easily—you are replaced in the harshest and coldest manner imaginable.

For antisocial personality disorder, Mayo gives this list:

·         Disregard for right and wrong

·         Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others

·         Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others

·         Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure

·         Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated

·         Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior

·         Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty

·         Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead

·         Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence

·         Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others

·         Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others

·         Poor or abusive relationships

·         Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them

·         Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations

Key behaviors of the PD

The above traits manifest themselves in a variety of ways. I picked out four of the most common. If you’re in any sort of relationship with a PD, you’ve no doubt been on the receiving end of one or more of these behaviors:

Gaslighting

Here, the PD attempts to manipulate you in a way that makes you doubt your own sanity. You begin to question your perception of reality.

For example: Your boss yells at you for failing to complete a report by the deadline of Thursday at noon. You are sure that she originally said Friday at noon, but she is so adamant that you begin to doubt yourself. You retrieve the email in which she wrote “Friday at noon.” She then pivots, claiming that you are too literal, and now you’re trying to make her look bad by gathering evidence against her. She calls you vindictive and petty.

Boundary testing

PDs constantly test your boundaries to see which ones they can cross. It starts small at first and increases over time if the PD discovers that there are no consequences to these violations.

Example: An adult child has access to an elderly parent’s bank account. He “accidentally” writes a check from the account to cover his cell phone bill. The adult parent accepts this explanation and doesn’t insist on being repaid, and before you know it, the PD has written another check, and then another… and hundreds and then thousands of dollars are missing.

Instability

Any relationship has ups and downs, but a healthy relationship is mostly stable and seems to unfold at a normal rate. A relationship with a PD begins quickly and intensely, and then mimics a roller coaster ride. At some point, the PD may disappear entirely.

The PD may have a poor relationship history, littered with broken friendships, alienated family members, a spotty work history, damaged credit, lawsuits, and bitter divorces and breakups.

This outer instability is due to the inner instability of the PD’s inability to control their emotions.

Abuse and control

A relationship with a PD is always on the PD’s terms, and it can be damaging and downright dangerous. Abuse takes many forms, including verbal, financial, emotional, sexual, and physical. The PD does not recognize the rights and needs of other people, so he or she belittles, devalues, shames, steals from, and even injures other people without remorse.

Like the other behaviors, it starts almost imperceptibly and escalates.

Am I dealing with a PD?

Again, we’re not mental health professionals, and we’re not equipped to diagnose or treat anyone. Instead, we’re trying to take care of ourselves by figuring out why we feel so bad and what we might do about it.

Remember that you can’t control or change anyone else. You can only change your own behavior, so your focus must be on the relationship’s effect on you.

Consider these questions:

1) Changes in tone: Have you noticed a marked change from when the relationship began? A healthy relationship is exciting but begins drama-free and unfolds slowly and steadily. Perhaps you were put on a pedestal at first, but now feel that you have to prove yourself. You may feel insecure, particularly if you’re experiencing a “push-pull” dynamic.

2) Self-esteem: While self-esteem is an inside job, healthy relationships tend to support our self-esteem because we are loved and respected (despite our flaws) by those who we love and respect (despite their flaws). When you’re involved with a PD, you may feel ashamed because you are accepting treatment that you know is unacceptable or because you find yourself giving insincere compliments and affirmation.

3) Interactions: What are your conversations like with this person? Are they relatively calm and satisfying, or must you constantly defend yourself? Perhaps you walk away shaking your head and doubting yourself every time.

4) Invalidation: When you express concerns, are you heard or are your feelings invalidated? Your feelings should be acknowledged, even if the other person disagrees with you. Don’t accept: “You’re too sensitive… you’re so jealous… you’re too suspicious… you’re so negative….”

5) Cooperation: Is there a give-and-take, or is everything on the other person’s terms? Can you ask for things, request feedback, discuss problems? Are your texts, emails, and phone calls returned with reasonable promptness as you return those sent to you?

6) Abuse: Has the other person yelled at you, belittled you, disrespected you, taken money from you, cheated on you, talked about you behind your back, lied to you, stolen your ideas at work, manipulated you, or abused you in any other way?

7) Community: What do your friends and family think of this person? This is key: If you are completely honest and forthcoming about every aspect of this relationship, do the people who love you and have your best interests at heart believe that you should stay in this job, friendship, or relationship? CAN you be completely honest and forthcoming with others about the relationship?

8) Health: Listen to your body. Have you developed depression, anxiety, skin rashes, sleep disturbances including nightmares, stomach problems, fatigue, etc.? Are you taking care of yourself, or have you stopped exercising or eating healthy? When I ignore my heart and brain, the rest of my body starts complaining loudly. This could be indicative of any bad relationship or another problem, but it’s worth noting.

9) Your emotions: After you interact with this person, do you feel frustrated, angry, anxious, embarrassed, hopeless, sad? A healthy relationship makes you feel at ease, appreciated, optimistic, and happy.

10) Obsession: Do you find yourself thinking of this person constantly, trying to figure out why he said this or why she failed to do that? Do you talk about the other person constantly to other people? PDs are often the object of everyone’s fascination because their behavior is so outrageous. Perhaps the person is constantly receiving gifts, invitations, accolades, or help from people with whom they’ve got no real relationship.

In part, the obsession comes from the same place as addiction through a process known as traumatic bonding. In lab studies, rats who were offered treats as a reward every time they hit a lever with their paw accepted the treats but were unimpressed. Rats who never got a reward, of course, lost interest immediately. Rats who were given a reward intermittently—sometimes, they’d hit the lever and get a treat and sometimes not, but it was unpredictable—became obsessed with the lever and whacked it fervently.

It’s the same with you and PDs. They are manipulative and unpredictable, giving you rewards sometimes and cold indifference or even abuse at other times. This operates on the same centers of the brain as drug addiction, so it’s natural that we become obsessed. As the neuroscientists say, the quintessential dopamine trigger is “maybe.”

Consider each one of these points carefully. Then, you’ll have your answer.

How to deal with PDs in personal relationships

Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible for mental health professionals to treat someone with a Cluster B personality disorder. Some change is possible, but sweeping changes are rare. In other words, if you choose to stay in a relationship with a PD, you will need to employ certain tactics to manage the relationship. Remember that you will be managing your own feelings, reactions, and expectations but will not be changing the PD.

Your choice of tactics depends both on the nature of your relationship with the PD and on the severity of the problem. It’s a spectrum.

The Zen approach

This gentle approach may be enough to solve the problem. Try to be mindful so you can remain detached: “Oh, that’s interesting. Look what he’s saying to me now. It makes sense that he’s angry at me, because I disagreed with him.” Remember that it’s not personal. Resist the temptation to fight back.

Set clear boundaries

PDs constantly test boundaries, so it’s important to have clearly defined boundaries and to enforce them. When setting boundaries, it’s important to communicate them clearly, to plan how you’ll respond when they’re tested, and to be consistent in enforcing them.

Example: It’s not helpful to say, “Don’t yell at me!” When you think about it, this isn’t a boundary at all and is an attempt to change the PD’s behavior. Instead, try: “When you yell at me, I feel threatened and can’t process what you’re saying. If you yell at me, I’ll walk away until you can speak to me in a reasonable manner.” Then, do it.

Detach

Limit your interactions with the PD. You might decide to visit your parents only on major holidays and call to check on them once a month. Another way to detach: Stop sharing your personal life with the PD, as this gives them ammo to create drama and to hurt you. Refuse to participate in the PD’s chaos. Conflict requires two sides, and if you calmly refuse to take the bait, you’re not involved.

You are 50 percent of every relationship. No matter what the PD does, you choose how and if to respond. Remember the three Cs: I didn’t cause this behavior, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.

No-contact rule

Here, you cut off all forms of contact with the person, cutting them dead. You declare relationship death.

If the PD is merely an acquaintance, a distant cousin, or someone you’ve been dating for a few weeks, no-contact is a sound choice. It doesn’t make sense to work on a relationship that barely exists anyway, and life is too short.

But no-contact is appropriate for closer relationships, too. If the PD is abusing you, stealing from you, or otherwise destroying your life, you may need to practice no-contact even if it’s your own mother.

This method is simple, but it’s not easy. It’s painful to give up on someone, and even if the person is abusive, you may miss them terribly. Still, if your well-being and peace of mind are at stake, this is a sacrifice you may be forced to make.

When you choose no-contact, you will likely need support. Seek therapy, surround yourself with close friends, and visit a supportive online forum. Start with the excellent Internet forum Out of the FOG. Here, you can share your experiences and learn from others, and there are numerous helpful tools and resources: https://outofthefog.website/

It’s crucial to practice self-care and get support in order to heal.

How to deal with PDs at work

Personal relationships with PDs are difficult enough, but when the PD is a boss, client, or co-worker, it adds an extra layer of stress and requires finesse because our livelihood is at stake.

Presumably, the no-contact rule isn’t an option here, so choose other tactics to protect yourself if the situation is untenable but you can’t change jobs.

First, consider whether Human Resources can help. If you can talk to an HR representative confidentially, do so. Many companies have mediation and other resources to help resolve conflict. At the very least, you want to start documenting your efforts.

Second, and speaking of documentation, be sure to document everything. Communicate in writing (email), and archive the emails. Don’t just save things on your work computer or hard drive, because those will not be available to you if you get fired or otherwise have to leave your job suddenly. Avoid being alone with the PD. You may need witnesses.

Even when you have an interaction in person, document your impressions through a process that lawyers call memorializing. If you have an in-person conversation, immediately follow up with an email. “As we just discussed in the hallway, we agreed that I would take off Friday, March 29, 2019, to be with my mother during her surgery.” For idea-stealers, try: “At today’s lunchtime meeting, I suggested that we start emailing the TPS reports and stop mailing them. This will save $x in mailing costs while getting the reports to our clients faster.” When emails are not appropriate, keep a journal.

Third, become a “gray rock” and keep things at a “medium chill.” This is a method of detachment that allows you to fly under the radar. A grey rock becomes flat and uninteresting, which is the opposite of the dynamic, successful, and interesting person that attracts the PD. When you operate at medium chill, you refuse to take the bait, to get involved in the PD’s drama. Do not give personal information or share opinions with this person. In particular, do not share workplace gossip or offer opinions about a co-worker. This is good practice anyway, so it’s an opportunity to clean up your behavior at work. When the PD asks you an intrusive question, respond with noncommittal answers such as: “It’s simply my preference” or “Let me think about that.” If the PD tries to draw you into office intrigue, respond with “It’s none of my business” or “That’s too bad” or “You should probably take it up with her directly.”

Fourth, remember the Zen approach. You can remain mindful and detached and choose how you react to provocation. Again, try the out-of-body approach: “Huh. That’s interesting. She’s making a joke about my divorce in this meeting with our boss. I wonder if she’s acting out because I just made a well-received suggestion. I can feel that she just pushed my buttons, because I think I’m embarrassed about my divorce. I’ll choose not to respond, because I want to maintain my professional demeanor and keep the focus on my work.”

Finally, know your legal rights. If you believe that HR won’t be supportive, talk to an employment lawyer. Review the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s information here: https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/practices/

Forgive yourself

It’s easy for anyone to be the target of a PD. We’re lured by the validation and promise of professional success, love, and acceptance. We tend to beat ourselves up for not being able to get out. Once we’re out, we beat ourselves up for failing to get out sooner.

Sometimes, we feel guilty for acting in our own self-interest. Feelings of guilt are normal, but as a friend of mine says: “I leave the metaphysics and philosophy to those well-equipped for such matters. I suspect this: If we consistently behave in ways that protect us from those who cause us pain, we will be happier and healthier. Moral culpability is important, but I stand by my practical position: If a car is careening towards me on the sidewalk, it doesn’t matter whether the driver is a terrorist or an elderly man suffering a heart attack. I must take action to protect myself.”

The very things that make you good—kindness, compassion, a strong work ethic, family values, and the desire to love and be loved—unfortunately make you a target for unhealthy people. When you feel discouraged, remember that you are learning. You are training yourself to spot this behavior in the future and to deal with it successfully.

Take care of yourself.